In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby

[not_heavens_adam]

[He sat by the edge of the bubble, back to the cold barrier and eyes trained on the nearest tree, unseeing.

It had been three weeks since he'd come back and torn out the throat of that local who'd only been trying to help. It had been so long since he'd let himself get that hungry and he had no where to turn to for his lust....not until that poor woman had gotten a little too close, smelled a little too sweet, the blood flowing through her veins was a siren's call to his starved body.

His fangs had sliced through her neck and killed the cries in her throat as they snuffed out the life in her body.

He'd drained her dry, something else he hadn't done in ages.

And even after he'd regained his senses and sat there with her in his arms...even after everyone had known what he'd done, how much they were wrong, because he was a monster, always had been, always would be....even after all of that....they'd comforted him. They'd said it wasn't his fault, that this didn't make him a monster.

He couldn't believe it. He couldn't accept and attempt to process as he had before, this was too much. Either everyone here was too stupid or too perfect....either way...they couldn't.....they couldn't possibly be real.

No one would sweep something like that aside and call something like him a friend.

It wasn't possible.

There was really only one option left, one thing left in his swirling mind that made sense, that could reconcile how incredibly impossible this all was: he really had lost his mind at some point and had broken. and that break had caused his mind, in it's own defence, to create a perfect world where a vampire could have friends and a boyfriend and people he could rely on and they would always love him no matter what.

Sola, Otoha, Serph, Crowley, Maddie, Azi, Ky, Fai,Toki, Vatheon...it was all fake. A world he'd created to escape. He was probably currently stuck in the torturous hands of Barry, the demon's plaything for all eternity, and his mind had just given up.

It made sense.

And it made him cold. Everything, the trees, the faces he'd grown to love and trust....it was all fake. There was no such thing as an Eden.

All of this had only broken him further and he'd pulled away from everything and everyone he 'loved.' It would be easier, when the illusion broke, if he wasn't attached. He just needed to accept this. This was his new reality.]

Comments

[evilisfabulous]

*Ghirahim had been watching for some time, unseen. He'd heard what happened, of course. How could he not? It delighted the demon to no end to know that the smug, self-righteous creature that was Johnny was a complete hypocrite.

He chuckled as he stepped up to Johnny's right side, silent and predatory.*

Well, well. So this is where the murderer is hiding...

[not_heavens_adam]

[He flinched at the sudden company. He'd been keeping away from people for so long, that the sudden presence of someone else surprised him.

Still, he didn't look up.]

Girahim...

[So, what part of his mind was this? Something from the 'monster' side of him, most likely.]

[evilisfabulous]

*The demon laced his hands behind his back and bent down to look Johnny in the face, an amused grin on his face.* I have to say, it was so refreshing to learn just how much of a hypocrite you are. Now who's the weak one...?

[not_heavens_adam]

[His eyes connected with Girahim's, through his expression was still as empty as ever.]

I am weak. If I wasn't, that woman wouldn't have died and I wouldn't have made this place to begin with.

....you must be the self-loathing part of me. Or, perhaps, simply my hatred...

[evilisfabulous]

...Is that how you're rationalizing what you've done? By pretending that woman and everyone else don't exist?

*He grips Johnny's chin and grins. His own fangs are visible as his mouth opens to let his tongue slither out, snakelike.*

What would Sola think if he knew you'd convinced yourself that he's not real after all, I wonder...

[not_heavens_adam]

[He winces and his eyes drift away.]

But he's not....and neither are you or anyone else here.

[evilisfabulous]

*This is just too precious. Johnny is practically handing him Sola on a silver platter. A hand to wield him...*

Do you want to test that theory of yours?

[replicatedcourage]

Johnny...?

[The Hylian's voice is very quiet, barely audible over the simple ambient sounds of air in the bubble, keeping it sustainable. He hadn't expected to find the man here, of all places. He'd searched a little. It had only taken a single visit to Johnny's apartment to sprout the seed of worry planted in the pit of his stomach. Minea had told him that 'Master Rayflo' was not seeing any guests, and suddenly 'guests' now included him.

He'd heard about what happened, how some of Johnny's other friends had found him in the plaza, a sight to see covered in blood and holding the body of a local woman. A towel vendor, he heard later. He'd tried to comfort his matesprit at first, tell him it wasn't his fault, but as time wore on he could think of less and less to say in the face of Johnny's denial.

And then his matesprit had simply refused to see anyone.

At first he'd thought maybe Johnny just needed some time. Sola's well aware he never knows the right things to say and is poor help for most situations, but a week past. Then another. A third was almost up and Sola had seen hide nor hair of Johnny Rayflo.

Until today.

He'd been coming here less frequently of late, the memory of laying on the grass together pointing out interesting fish through the bubble's edge causing more worry to surface whenever it crossed his mind. Why can't they be like that again, instead of inexplicably parted? Today, though, Sola needed the comfort afforded by the spot; even if it made him worry, that memory is still his fondest. And now, by some miracle, Johnny is here too. Maybe for the same reason? Who knows, but it gives him hope and relief.

He shifts his feet, fiddling with the hem of his tunic as he speaks up again, this time a little louder in case Johnny hadn't heard.]

Johnny?

[not_heavens_adam]

[The vampire heard him the second time Sola spoke but his only reaction is to close his eyes.

This one hurt more than most.

This was the embodiment of what he couldn't have. The lover who cared no matter what. Who didn't see a monster, but a man.

Stuff of fairy tales.]

...What are you doing here, Sola?

[It hurt to say the name. That name held so many things for him...but to know he, ultimately, made it up along with the person attached to it.... it made his eyes sting.]

[replicatedcourage]

I was just...

[Does he have to explain himself? This was their place, both of them, a place to share and be safe together. He has as much a right to be there as Johnny does.]

What's going on? You just kind of disappeared. I know you're upset, but people are worried.

[What he really wants to do is throw his arms around his matesprit, tell him it'll be okay, but that look on Johnny's face gives him pause, keeps him from taking much more action than continuing to fidget with the hem of his tunic.]

I'm worried.

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny's eyes trailed over Sola's figure; his expression and body language....it was almost enough to make him want to reach out and forget that this wasn't real.

But that was the point: Sola was safety and love and he couldn't have something like that; really, that should have been his first clue, someone like Sola wouldn't love someone like him.]

.....I came to a realization, Sola. A little bit after I came back...I was so stupid to not have realized it before...

[replicatedcourage]

[His hands still as he looks at Johnny, a sense of foreboding coming over him but he ignores the feeling in favor of hoping this will be something positive, denying the doubts and the ache in his chest at Johnny's tone of voice.]

What is it?

[not_heavens_adam]

[His eyes travel from Sola's hair to his eyes and nose and lips and then dart back over to a tree.

It hurts how much he wants to reach out and hug his dove close.]

All of this....vatheon, the people in it...everything...it's all fake; it's just a product of my imagination....a coping mechanism because I don't want to face reality.

[closedcircuit]

[It wasn't as though Ky had been willing to sweep aside the death as though it was nothing. It was a woman's life, of course she mattered. But he didn't believe in giving up on someone simply because he'd done something that he regretted, and he knows Johnny well enough to read the lines of regret in the way he'd held himself.

But when he'd said that this didn't make him a monster Johnny seemed not to believe him, seemed not to accept anything other than whatever thoughts he'd already decided on. It's because he's a friend that Ky desperately wants Johnny to both atone for what he'd done and to start moving on to other things. Not just to sit there thinking about it, as he seems so intent to do.

It isn't too hard to track down Johnny, and while Ky's tried before he's adamant that he will keep trying. He's sure that as a...friend he certainly has an obligation to Johnny to help him as much as he can.]

Johnny. Can I speak to you?

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny sighed and glanced over to Ky before letting his eyes drift back to the grass.

He should just leave it, not respond, and ignore this figment of his imagination.

But...a part of him argued that it was Ky and he didn't want to ignore the man.

Maybe if he willed hard enough, Ky would just disappear.]

What is it?

[closedcircuit]

[Wow Johnny, rude. Ky didn't want him to disappear.

Ky waited patiently for Johnny to acknowledge him before he took a step closer, face as neutral as he could manage.]

I know that you once considered me a priest. While you've since learned that that's not true -- and I certainly never meant to deceive you on the subject -- I was wondering if you might not perhaps still trust my moral judgement.

[Ky paused, then shrugged.]

At least a little.

[not_heavens_adam]

[Shut up, Ky, he's having a mental breakdown

Johnny paused then nodded.

Ky was probably something along the lines of Johnny's morals or conscience or something...it might be interesting to listen to him now.

I've always trusted your judgement..

[closedcircuit]

Thank you.

[That made it even more important than usual to say whatever the right thing was, but it wasn't as though Ky had come over here intending to do anything less. He owed this much -- and a lot more -- to Johnny.]

I'm not going to say that you deserved to live more than she did, because that's simply not true. No one could say that. But that's not the choice you have right now. What's done is done, and you have to move on. You have to maintain control in the future so this doesn't happen again.

[not_heavens_adam]

[....

He looks at Ky a moment then just tilts his head back against the barrier and chuckles.]

That's what you came to say?

It doesn't matter.

[It wasn't like she had been real anyway.]

[angelphones]

[Katsu was extremely worried. He had heard about what had happened, and tried to give Johnny his space... but it didn't seem to make any difference. Closing his eyes, he focused on trying to pick out Johnny, and then opened them again and started running, looking for the vampire.]

[not_heavens_adam]

[Despite all the thinking and all the people, Johnny hadn't moved. He didn't want to...he didn't want to. At least, he didn't think he did....he didn't know what he wanted to do.

Wake up? Keep living like he was? He didn't know.

He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in his knees. Why couldn't things just make sense again?]

[angelphones]

[Katsu slowed as he approached Johnny, stopping a little bit away so he didn't startle him.]

... Johnny? Johnny, please tell me what's wrong...

[This wasn't right. He was scared, scared that something was horribly, horribly wrong.]

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny turned his head slightly so his cheek rested on his knees instead.]

Katsu...I bet...I bet you're kindness. You're always kind, so I'm sure that's where you come from.

Kindness and the son I've never had nor ever will...yes, I'm sure of it.

[angelphones]

[... It didn't make sense. He walked over to him, crouching down in front of him.]

Johnny? I don't understand. What are you talking about?

[He reached out to touch him on the shoulder, slowly and gently.]

Please... tell me what's going on. I want to help.

[not_heavens_adam]

[His only reaction to the touch is to close his eyes, as if doing so would make it all go away and stop hurting.]

Vatheon....everything...it's all fake. It's a fake world I built in my head to escape reality.

The 'friends' I have here, the happiness I've felt...it's all false.