makinglies | In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby

[He sat by the edge of the bubble, back to the cold barrier and eyes trained on the nearest tree, unseeing.

It had been three weeks since he'd come back and torn out the throat of that local who'd only been trying to help. It had been so long since he'd let himself get that hungry and he had no where to turn to for his lust....not until that poor woman had gotten a little too close, smelled a little too sweet, the blood flowing through her veins was a siren's call to his starved body.

His fangs had sliced through her neck and killed the cries in her throat as they snuffed out the life in her body.

He'd drained her dry, something else he hadn't done in ages.

And even after he'd regained his senses and sat there with her in his arms...even after everyone had known what he'd done, how much they were wrong, because he was a monster, always had been, always would be....even after all of that....they'd comforted him. They'd said it wasn't his fault, that this didn't make him a monster.

He couldn't believe it. He couldn't accept and attempt to process as he had before, this was too much. Either everyone here was too stupid or too perfect....either way...they couldn't.....they couldn't possibly be real.

No one would sweep something like that aside and call something like him a friend.

It wasn't possible.

There was really only one option left, one thing left in his swirling mind that made sense, that could reconcile how incredibly impossible this all was: he really had lost his mind at some point and had broken. and that break had caused his mind, in it's own defence, to create a perfect world where a vampire could have friends and a boyfriend and people he could rely on and they would always love him no matter what.

Sola, Otoha, Serph, Crowley, Maddie, Azi, Ky, Fai,Toki, Vatheon...it was all fake. A world he'd created to escape. He was probably currently stuck in the torturous hands of Barry, the demon's plaything for all eternity, and his mind had just given up.

It made sense.

And it made him cold. Everything, the trees, the faces he'd grown to love and trust....it was all fake. There was no such thing as an Eden.

All of this had only broken him further and he'd pulled away from everything and everyone he 'loved.' It would be easier, when the illusion broke, if he wasn't attached. He just needed to accept this. This was his new reality.]

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[Johnny sighed and glanced over to Ky before letting his eyes drift back to the grass.

He should just leave it, not respond, and ignore this figment of his imagination.

But...a part of him argued that it was Ky and he didn't want to ignore the man.

Maybe if he willed hard enough, Ky would just disappear.]

What is it?

[~~Wow Johnny, rude. Ky didn't want him to disappear.~~

Ky waited patiently for Johnny to acknowledge him before he took a step closer, face as neutral as he could manage.]

I know that you once considered me a priest. While you've since learned that that's not true -- and I certainly never meant to deceive you on the subject -- I was wondering if you might not perhaps still trust my moral judgement.

[Ky paused, then shrugged.]

At least a little.

[~~Shut up, Ky, he's having a mental breakdown~~

Johnny paused then nodded.

Ky was probably something along the lines of Johnny's morals or conscience or something...it might be interesting to listen to him now.

I've always trusted your judgement..

Thank you.

[That made it even more important than usual to say whatever the right thing was, but it wasn't as though Ky had come over here intending to do anything less. He owed this much -- and a lot more -- to Johnny.]

I'm not going to say that you deserved to live more than she did, because that's simply not true. No one could say that. But that's not the choice you have right now. What's done is done, and you have to move on. You have to maintain control in the future so this doesn't happen again.

[....

He looks at Ky a moment then just tilts his head back against the barrier and chuckles.]

That's what you came to say?

It doesn't matter.

[It wasn't like she had been real anyway.]

[Ky looks back at Johnny, feeling that he's being patronized or ignored.

He bristles automatically.]

Don't you dare say that.

[He felt a little angry just then. Why was his mind doing this to him? Why couldn't he just escape and be left alone?]

Why not!? Why can't I? It's true, isn't it? Nothing here is real; not this bubble, not these people, not even you! So don't tell me I can't say it doesn't matter, when it so obviously doesn't, I'm not stupid!

What's true, that? Don't be ridiculous, Johnny, this isn't helping! You're incredibly stupid if you think I'm not real.

[Ky pressed his lips together, but this clearly wasn't helping either.]

Why would you even say that?

Because it's true! Everything....the people here and this situation....it's all fake! It's just not...not possible.

Even aspects of home are ridiculous to the point of disbelief!

Charley, a priest, is a male model, I'm being held hostage by a guy who claims to be my son, looks twelve and isn't, brought me back to life using some sort of serum, oh! And he created clones of me. Then I come here where people care about me for the first time in centuries and insist I'm not a monster when the evidence is before their eyes! How am I supposed to think otherwise!?

[He sighs and puts his face in his hands, his voice weaker.]

I know...I know I have to be in Belial's hands somewhere, enduring the same rape and torture he always has planned...but this time...I guess I just couldn't...I withdrew further than usual.

[He hadn't told anyone so many details before (and this wasn't exactly anyone, was it?) regardless...he felt tired.]

So the apparent solution is that we're all fake, going back far into your history. Why not go even further in that case and decide that you can't possibly be a vampire, since you must admit that that's hard to believe is logical!

[Oh, is Ky supposed to be helpful? He's stuck on being pissy.]

But no, instead you're caught up in my insistence that you're...not a monster. A conclusion I arrived at based as much on your actions and opinions as it was based on my own moral judgment, something in the past you have at least attempted to respect. But suddenly not only am I not capable of making my own decisions about my friends, apparently, I'm also not even real! It's a wonder you bother speaking with me at all!

[He, at least, has the decency to look stricken, the first emotion he's really bothered to show.

Johnny hadn't been expecting that. Was his own mind supposed to argue back with him? To get angry and affronted?

....was he wrong...?

But he couldn't be! It just...it wasn't possible because then...then he had killed some poor woman in cold blood, he was actually free from Belial and there really were people who cared about him without even having the general sense of obligation a childe had to their master.

And they thought of him as a human, not a monster.

His eyes stung and he looked away. He couldn't wrap his mind around it.]

Ky, I....I'm sorry..

[Angry and affronted weren't emotions that Ky gave up easily once they'd found their way to the surface, and while Johnny being stricken tempered him a little there was still the fact that he clearly had thought about and dismissed exactly what Ky was saying now!]

Just being sorry doesn't do anything!

[Although Ky would argue that the circumstances weren't exactly the same as killing her in cold blood.

But Ky knew Dizzy, had an idea at least of what it was like for other people to have something that they were trying hard to keep control of, and what learning they'd lost control could do. Johnny's problem, at least as far as Ky saw it, wasn't that he needed to be judged but that he needed to stop dwelling on what had happened and start worrying about how he was going to make it better.]

If you're not happy with what you've done then it's better to focus on what you can do than anything else.

In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby

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