In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby

[not_heavens_adam]

[He sat by the edge of the bubble, back to the cold barrier and eyes trained on the nearest tree, unseeing.

It had been three weeks since he'd come back and torn out the throat of that local who'd only been trying to help. It had been so long since he'd let himself get that hungry and he had no where to turn to for his lust....not until that poor woman had gotten a little too close, smelled a little too sweet, the blood flowing through her veins was a siren's call to his starved body.

His fangs had sliced through her neck and killed the cries in her throat as they snuffed out the life in her body.

He'd drained her dry, something else he hadn't done in ages.

And even after he'd regained his senses and sat there with her in his arms...even after everyone had known what he'd done, how much they were wrong, because he was a monster, always had been, always would be....even after all of that....they'd comforted him. They'd said it wasn't his fault, that this didn't make him a monster.

He couldn't believe it. He couldn't accept and attempt to process as he had before, this was too much. Either everyone here was too stupid or too perfect....either way...they couldn't.....they couldn't possibly be real.

No one would sweep something like that aside and call something like him a friend.

It wasn't possible.

There was really only one option left, one thing left in his swirling mind that made sense, that could reconcile how incredibly impossible this all was: he really had lost his mind at some point and had broken. and that break had caused his mind, in it's own defence, to create a perfect world where a vampire could have friends and a boyfriend and people he could rely on and they would always love him no matter what.

Sola, Otoha, Serph, Crowley, Maddie, Azi, Ky, Fai,Toki, Vatheon...it was all fake. A world he'd created to escape. He was probably currently stuck in the torturous hands of Barry, the demon's plaything for all eternity, and his mind had just given up.

It made sense.

And it made him cold. Everything, the trees, the faces he'd grown to love and trust....it was all fake. There was no such thing as an Eden.

All of this had only broken him further and he'd pulled away from everything and everyone he 'loved.' It would be easier, when the illusion broke, if he wasn't attached. He just needed to accept this. This was his new reality.]

Comments

[replicatedcourage]

I was just...

[Does he have to explain himself? This was their place, both of them, a place to share and be safe together. He has as much a right to be there as Johnny does.]

What's going on? You just kind of disappeared. I know you're upset, but people are worried.

[What he really wants to do is throw his arms around his matesprit, tell him it'll be okay, but that look on Johnny's face gives him pause, keeps him from taking much more action than continuing to fidget with the hem of his tunic.]

I'm worried.

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny's eyes trailed over Sola's figure; his expression and body language....it was almost enough to make him want to reach out and forget that this wasn't real.

But that was the point: Sola was safety and love and he couldn't have something like that; really, that should have been his first clue, someone like Sola wouldn't love someone like him.]

.....I came to a realization, Sola. A little bit after I came back...I was so stupid to not have realized it before...

[replicatedcourage]

[His hands still as he looks at Johnny, a sense of foreboding coming over him but he ignores the feeling in favor of hoping this will be something positive, denying the doubts and the ache in his chest at Johnny's tone of voice.]

What is it?

[not_heavens_adam]

[His eyes travel from Sola's hair to his eyes and nose and lips and then dart back over to a tree.

It hurts how much he wants to reach out and hug his dove close.]

All of this....vatheon, the people in it...everything...it's all fake; it's just a product of my imagination....a coping mechanism because I don't want to face reality.

[replicatedcourage]

Fake...?

[The word hangs in the air between them as if it's the only sound in existence. It echoes harshly in his ears, causing them to drop down and back, an expression of anguish.]

How could- It's not-...

[He opens and closes his mouth again several more times, no sound following, until finally he just looks at Johnny with wide, deeply hurt eyes, tears already prickling at the corners.]

I'm... fake?

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny nods, vaguely aware he's got tears beginning to come from his eyes too. Were those fake or was that happening in the real world? Did it really matter?]

Yes. You're the embodiment of what I want and can't have.

You're pure and good and light and you love me....and I love you...but that isn't possible. You can't love me someone like-

I would never deserve someone like you, no matter how much I want it, so my mind made up the perfect boyfriend.

[In defence of his heartbreak and loneliness....it was perfect, and that was what was wrong.]

[replicatedcourage]

[There's an interminable pause, the world spinning around Sola as he attempts to process this. Johnny, the person who'd been nothing but nurturing, who'd told him he was real, that he could be his own person, who'd helped him be that person, said he was fake.

Everything snaps back into sharp focus and Sola sees red, seething with rage at this change of Johnny's attitude. He feels betrayed more than anything, hurt that the vampire could just sit there and benignly tell him he doesn't really exist. No matter the tears, no matter that he'd used the word perfect, Sola is so upset he storms over and plants a sound kick to Johnny's side, aiming to hurt and not caring just now. His face is contorted in pain and fury and for once there is no softness there.]

Did that feel fake?! How can you sit there and say something like that?! I've tried so hard to be real! You can't just suddenly decide I'm not! You can't decide it at all!!

[He kicks him again for good measure and whirls, turning his back and running full tilt away from that place, away from the edge of the bubble, away from him.

He gets far enough to be out of earshot before the tears make it impossible to see, forcing him to he ground after tripping over a large root and skidding several feet. He doesn't care, barely feels the sting in his knees and elbows over the intense pain of his heart breaking.

Sola buries his face in his arms and sobs bitterly, unable to pick up the pieces.]

[not_heavens_adam]

[A while later, after he's talked with Ky and Katsu, Johnny goes in search of Sola, trying to sniff him out. When he finds the Hylian, Johnny pauses by a tree before stepping closer and kneeling down beside his boyfriend, guilt eating away at him.

He never should have said what he did, he shouldn't have let himself crack like that....]

Sola...

[replicatedcourage]

[Every muscle in Sola frame tenses at the sound of that so familiar voice. It's stupid, it's so stupid that his first instinct is to throw himself on Johnny to cry instead even though the vampire is the reason for his upset. But he can't. He won't. Johnny had called him fake and he can't see past that.

He doesn't even raise his head, instead bunching up even more as he lays there with his elbows and knees stinging and his heart in a million pieces on the forest floor.]

Go away!

[not_heavens_adam]

[Johnny winces as if struck, but that hurt more than any physical hit Sola could have delivered.

But it was what he deserved.

Still, he didn't move.]

Sola...I'm so, so, sorry. I...I had no right to say that to you. I was wrong. I went out of my head and I took it out on you and...you have every right to be angry at me.

If you want me to leave....I will...I just want you to know that I am so sorry...you are real...and you're more important than anything.

[replicatedcourage]

[The forest around them seems to grow darker as Johnny speaks, Sola still refusing to lift his head to look at the man.]

You're lying! You've been lying this whole time! You think I'm not real and you've just been playing with me!

[He's so terribly angry. It roils in his veins, so much simpler than his grief and pain, instead hot and powerful and violent. That anger forces the Hylian to his hands and knees, snapping dark features and fiercely glowing red eyes up at the vampire.]

You really are a monster!

[not_heavens_adam]

[He didn't have time to school his features before the look of shock and pain overrode everything else. He couldn't think or move....he'd always thought of himself as a monster, he'd been thinking it to himself all the way here....

But to hear it from Sola...

Tears stung his eyes and fell, silently, as he continued to sit there.]

I wasn't...I would never.....

I didn't want to hurt you...

I'm sorry.

[His mind wouldn't cooperate with what he wanted...he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to run and he wanted to hold Sola and he wanted to just walk out into the sunlight on the island and let himself dissolve and never find his way to his coffin again.

His heart was broken.]

[replicatedcourage]

[It hurts. That look on Johnny's face hurts and he's angry that he feels anything but satisfaction about wounding him. The vampire had used him, right? He'd make him believe he'd been something special to someone for once in his life and then showed his true colors and tossed the replica away. So why did it do nothing but hurt?! He wants to apologize, to say he didn't mean it, but he's still so angry and even more so that he wants to take it back and so he simply forges onward, tears rolling down his cheeks and shoulders shaking as emotions choke his voice.]

You did! You said I was a person all this time but you never really thought it! You hurt me on purpose! You made me love you and you made me think you loved me and you made me as happy as you could before just...

It hurts!

[A broken sob causes his voice to crack and Sola sits back on his knees, head in his hands. It hurts so badly and he can't get past it and he can't physically push Johnny away either and he wants to do both and neither and wants Johnny to hug him but also to go away and he just can't cope.

The replica huddles over again, forehead almost against the forest floor as he folds his arms over his stomach and tears continue to drop onto the rocks and dirt under him.]