Johnny Rayflo (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
not_heavens_adam) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
makinglies2012-08-04 02:56 pm
not_heavens_adam) wrote in makinglies2012-08-04 02:56 pm
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In my field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby
[He sat by the edge of the bubble, back to the cold barrier and eyes trained on the nearest tree, unseeing.
It had been three weeks since he'd come back and torn out the throat of that local who'd only been trying to help. It had been so long since he'd let himself get that hungry and he had no where to turn to for his lust....not until that poor woman had gotten a little too close, smelled a little too sweet, the blood flowing through her veins was a siren's call to his starved body.
His fangs had sliced through her neck and killed the cries in her throat as they snuffed out the life in her body.
He'd drained her dry, something else he hadn't done in ages.
And even after he'd regained his senses and sat there with her in his arms...even after everyone had known what he'd done, how much they were wrong, because he was a monster, always had been, always would be....even after all of that....they'd comforted him. They'd said it wasn't his fault, that this didn't make him a monster.
He couldn't believe it. He couldn't accept and attempt to process as he had before, this was too much. Either everyone here was too stupid or too perfect....either way...they couldn't.....they couldn't possibly be real.
No one would sweep something like that aside and call something like him a friend.
It wasn't possible.
There was really only one option left, one thing left in his swirling mind that made sense, that could reconcile how incredibly impossible this all was: he really had lost his mind at some point and had broken. and that break had caused his mind, in it's own defence, to create a perfect world where a vampire could have friends and a boyfriend and people he could rely on and they would always love him no matter what.
Sola, Otoha, Serph, Crowley, Maddie, Azi, Ky, Fai,Toki, Vatheon...it was all fake. A world he'd created to escape. He was probably currently stuck in the torturous hands of Barry, the demon's plaything for all eternity, and his mind had just given up.
It made sense.
And it made him cold. Everything, the trees, the faces he'd grown to love and trust....it was all fake. There was no such thing as an Eden.
All of this had only broken him further and he'd pulled away from everything and everyone he 'loved.' It would be easier, when the illusion broke, if he wasn't attached. He just needed to accept this. This was his new reality.]
It had been three weeks since he'd come back and torn out the throat of that local who'd only been trying to help. It had been so long since he'd let himself get that hungry and he had no where to turn to for his lust....not until that poor woman had gotten a little too close, smelled a little too sweet, the blood flowing through her veins was a siren's call to his starved body.
His fangs had sliced through her neck and killed the cries in her throat as they snuffed out the life in her body.
He'd drained her dry, something else he hadn't done in ages.
And even after he'd regained his senses and sat there with her in his arms...even after everyone had known what he'd done, how much they were wrong, because he was a monster, always had been, always would be....even after all of that....they'd comforted him. They'd said it wasn't his fault, that this didn't make him a monster.
He couldn't believe it. He couldn't accept and attempt to process as he had before, this was too much. Either everyone here was too stupid or too perfect....either way...they couldn't.....they couldn't possibly be real.
No one would sweep something like that aside and call something like him a friend.
It wasn't possible.
There was really only one option left, one thing left in his swirling mind that made sense, that could reconcile how incredibly impossible this all was: he really had lost his mind at some point and had broken. and that break had caused his mind, in it's own defence, to create a perfect world where a vampire could have friends and a boyfriend and people he could rely on and they would always love him no matter what.
Sola, Otoha, Serph, Crowley, Maddie, Azi, Ky, Fai,Toki, Vatheon...it was all fake. A world he'd created to escape. He was probably currently stuck in the torturous hands of Barry, the demon's plaything for all eternity, and his mind had just given up.
It made sense.
And it made him cold. Everything, the trees, the faces he'd grown to love and trust....it was all fake. There was no such thing as an Eden.
All of this had only broken him further and he'd pulled away from everything and everyone he 'loved.' It would be easier, when the illusion broke, if he wasn't attached. He just needed to accept this. This was his new reality.]
no subject
He looks at Ky a moment then just tilts his head back against the barrier and chuckles.]
That's what you came to say?
It doesn't matter.
[It wasn't like she had been real anyway.]
no subject
He bristles automatically.]
Don't you dare say that.
no subject
Why not!? Why can't I? It's true, isn't it? Nothing here is real; not this bubble, not these people, not even you! So don't tell me I can't say it doesn't matter, when it so obviously doesn't, I'm not stupid!
no subject
[Ky pressed his lips together, but this clearly wasn't helping either.]
Why would you even say that?
no subject
Even aspects of home are ridiculous to the point of disbelief!
Charley, a priest, is a male model, I'm being held hostage by a guy who claims to be my son, looks twelve and isn't, brought me back to life using some sort of serum, oh! And he created clones of me. Then I come here where people care about me for the first time in centuries and insist I'm not a monster when the evidence is before their eyes! How am I supposed to think otherwise!?
[He sighs and puts his face in his hands, his voice weaker.]
I know...I know I have to be in Belial's hands somewhere, enduring the same rape and torture he always has planned...but this time...I guess I just couldn't...I withdrew further than usual.
[He hadn't told anyone so many details before (and this wasn't exactly anyone, was it?) regardless...he felt tired.]
no subject
[Oh, is Ky supposed to be helpful? He's stuck on being pissy.]
But no, instead you're caught up in my insistence that you're...not a monster. A conclusion I arrived at based as much on your actions and opinions as it was based on my own moral judgment, something in the past you have at least attempted to respect. But suddenly not only am I not capable of making my own decisions about my friends, apparently, I'm also not even real! It's a wonder you bother speaking with me at all!
no subject
Johnny hadn't been expecting that. Was his own mind supposed to argue back with him? To get angry and affronted?
....was he wrong...?
But he couldn't be! It just...it wasn't possible because then...then he had killed some poor woman in cold blood, he was actually free from Belial and there really were people who cared about him without even having the general sense of obligation a childe had to their master.
And they thought of him as a human, not a monster.
His eyes stung and he looked away. He couldn't wrap his mind around it.]
Ky, I....I'm sorry..
no subject
Just being sorry doesn't do anything!
[Although Ky would argue that the circumstances weren't exactly the same as killing her in cold blood.
But Ky knew Dizzy, had an idea at least of what it was like for other people to have something that they were trying hard to keep control of, and what learning they'd lost control could do. Johnny's problem, at least as far as Ky saw it, wasn't that he needed to be judged but that he needed to stop dwelling on what had happened and start worrying about how he was going to make it better.]
If you're not happy with what you've done then it's better to focus on what you can do than anything else.