His brow raises as he takes a deep glup and replaces the bottle.
"Really? What of Irving?" Because he's the only one Anders actually worried about knowing. It's possible he did, it's also perfectly possible he maybe only pretended to and didn't know a thing. That happened often enough.
Anders nods. "Good. I hope it stays that way. Codger's clever but can't read minds or know everything, no matter how he acts. Besides, he has a whole tower of people to worry about, I doubt he'll even notice with how well you've been keeping your head down." Again, hopefully.
"That reminds me: I struck a deal with the kitchens: you should be able to collect your dinner from them without going to the hall, even if I'm not here."
He's sorely tempted to be vague and cryptic and see what Alaric comes up with on his own, especially since he's fairly certain the kitchens would do the same.
His smile is cheeky and leans forward a bit. "What do you think I promised them? What's worth bending the rules a bit to a group controlled by Knight-Commander Gregoir, I wonder?" Okay, maybe he's going to be a little bit of a jerk. For now.
"I can only imagine, and all of my imagination involves sex, or destruction of property." He has... perhaps not quite gotten a good idea of how things really work.
"Hm...a good guess. Though, perhaps less the destruction of property unless they wanted me to break into someone's office, I suppose." He shakes his head. "No, I didn't promise either, it would make you uncomfortable." He wasn't above such promises or deals, he also knew how these things worked all too often, but that sort of deal might end far worse for all involved if caught, there were simpler exchanges.
"Not all of my plants that were infected survived, so once the spare pots are cleaned of the infestation, I promised them and a very sunny spot in the garden to some herbs the kitchen is having trouble growing. They're apparently very expensive and they can't have them imported, so I agreed to trade some of my expertise and plant space to their needs in exchange for yours." He shrugs. "I'm fairly certain it's a drug of some sort, but I really don't care. You may have your quiet meals whenever you need."
He arches his eyebrows at the remark about being made uncomfortable.
Except it is absolutely and completely true so his attempt at looking disproving is highly ineffective.
The rest, though...
"That's very considerate and as trades go a reasonable one. Particularly since the kitchen having more herbs is likely to result in an improvement for all of us. That said I will try to face the dining hall upon occasion."
Probably rare occasion, but he will make an effort.
"Oh, don't mention it, what good is immeasurable charm and a winning smile if I don't put them to good use now and again?" He's joking, the kind of light-hearted dismissal meant to downplay earnest feeling and the lightness in him for having done something to make Alaric's life easier. No, pretend it's nothing, pretend he might have done it for anyone and move on.
"Is now a good time to mention you might need to face the dining hall alone sooner than we thought? Or should mixed news wait for another day?"
"Nothing I need to know should ever wait." HE wants to tackle Anders and make him acknowledge that he did a wonderful, good, kind thing. He's been effectively derailed by that question and the spike of anxiety in the wake of it, though.
He gives a half shrug and a nod. “Fair’s fair. Let’s see...”
He looks around the surrounding lands until his eyes fall on the top of a low, red, mountain just north of them with the shade of a keep sat atop it.
“Do you see Redcliff over there? In the valley below is the Hinterlands. There’s a smattering of farmsteads and villages there that have been facing an illness that affects people and animals. People are recovered and made ill anew and no one knows why. I leave here in two day’s time to help.”
He looks back to Alaric, his expression apologetic and voice softer. “I only found out this morning.”
He follows to look at the place and then back at Anders, with concern and confusion. "That isn't bad news, and nothing to feel badly for. Being away will do you good and they need help."
He'll miss Anders, and the reprieve, but this isn't about him.
"Oh, no, I'm elated, the only good part of being a spirit healer when the warm fuzzy feeling of helping others passes, but I will miss our meetings." He takes Alaric's hand and kisses the back of it, but lets go quickly enough, as though the prolonged touch may give away how honestly he felt about that under his heavily flippant tone.
"A week, maybe two. Wynne will still be here and I have a friend named Amell who knows who you are and could make for good company, if you needed."
He didn't necessarily feel badly, but he was a little worried. Protective. It was very much about Alaric.
Were they in a better location, he would crawl into Anders lap. It would make it easier to demand eye-contact and to hold it, as well as give them closeness.
"I will be fine. I'm not particularly social, the situation here and now is handled and there is an entire library worth of books I have barely begun to explore. There are also things to learn here." He's very soft, and very serious as he says it. "Enjoy your break and travel, Anders. I'll still be here when you return."
A pause, and - "Though doesn't that coincide with your... cycle?"
That soft assurance that Alaric will be there when he returns is something he wants to sink into and hold on. He wants to believe that there isn't a chance of coning back to finding empty air and whispers of a transfer. No, not this soon, not even Irving would do that. Still, paranoia was hard to shake. Luckily, he doesn't have long to dwell on it nor the thought of conceding that learning was the one thing the circle was good for.
He doesn't know if he's grateful for the question or dreading it, but he is surprised by it. Surprised because it means someone was paying attention. Alaric was paying attention. His smile widens and sharpens and he looks back out to the docks across the lake. "Doesn't it just? Sadly, the Arl was dragging his feet on the request and I might die of surprise if Irving bothered to think of it himself. I'll double the potency of the potion, perhaps see if there's any suppressants lying around...and muscle through the rest." He waves his hand dismissively. "Something something no rest for the wicked or what have you." He shoots Alaric a look but his cowardice doesn't allow the look to linger as his tone softens and loses a touch of the flippant irreverence. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
Of course Alaric is paying attention to you. You are hot, you are safe, you are trusted -- and you are his.
That answer does not do a lot to reassure him, and he lifts his eyebrows a bit at the flippant response, and sighs softly. "I'm certain you will manage to survive, but I will worry about you."
A lot. He might also get ragingly, insanely, irrationally, jealous and paranoid about it all.
He shouldn't feel happy about that, shouldn't feel comforted by the idea that Alaric would worry for him all the same, but those are things he feels and, after a moment, he forgives himself for it. It was only natural to want that kind of care and connection, right? Especially when it came from someone who seemed to bring a comforting stillness to a room, someone who unfailingly turned Anders' eye.
A quick assessment of the room ensured there was only silence and dust as audience as he took up Alaric's hand to kiss the backs of his fingers. "Well, I certainly can't stop you any more than I can change how much I will miss you." And likely all the more during his cycle. No, maybe it is better that he won't be here in those days leading up. He might very well make a fool of himself or -worse- the both of them.
Yet, that thought did nothing to stem the next, the one that flew out from the back of his mind and settled very quickly closer to the front. He could request company. He could take someone with him if he worded his case wisely- for Alaric, would it really be so hard to convince when he'd proven he knew how to conduct himself in the outside world? Or would his apostacy and nobility conflict too much? For now, he remained silent on it, there was too much unknown to risk high hopes.
Alaric absolutely feels that... Not the individual thought, but the idea and the conflict over it. He has no trouble with the idea of being out in the world, he does know how to handle himself.
He also knows how to get what he wants, through means both more or less ethical.
He looks at Anders and inclines his head slightly to the side.
"If I go with you, we will have sex." Just going to put that out there. Like it's inevitable. Because it feels inevitable.
Anders' laugh comes out startled and earnest but there's fondness in his eyes as he purposefully meets Alaric's eyes. Perhaps a bit like a challenge but with flirtation as his voice lowers. "Promises...my good Ser, there is very little holding back my suggestion to find a private corner right now while most of the tower is in the dining hall and looking to turn in after...I may even be so bold as to be very tempted to slip below the table we sit at to perhaps tend to a need I think you've been neglected in far too long." His smile turns up higher at one corner. "If you go with me, I promise you we will have sex, but I can't promise that isn't a very real possibility in here too."
Alaric's response to the flirtation, the suggestiveness, the implications is a sort of fond exasperation that would lead to an eye-roll if it were even one, single, bit less fond.
"I appreciate your ability to at least temporarily deflect from nearly any topic, but I am well aware that it is possible, here. I also appreciate the careful thought you have given it." Bit mean? Nah, just recognition that it has been considered and the attraction is there. "But I am warning you that if I go on this trip with you, what you have been afraid of and resisting until now will happen." It just - it will.
His smile falls, slow, uncertain, almost like it resisted the slow descent and the acceptance of what Alaric was implying.
He brought his hand up to rub at his chin. "You're fond of my ability to deflect and yet you very rarely like to let me do it." His eyes slide back to Alaric, a brow raising appraisingly. "And how much have you gleaned about what I'm afraid of, exactly?"
"Nothing. I am willing to acknowledge the feelings and use that knowledge to move past the near psychotic facade - I am not prepared to truly violate the privacy of your mind."
He reaches out and touches Anders' arm, just briefly but with a lot of warmth. Almost like an apology, in some ways, but also - not.
An apology, but one without remorse, like a parent who wrenches their child's arm to pull them from the path of a speeding cart. Or perhaps, more aptly, someone who makes a grab for the hand of a man who's falling from a cliff to save his life, unknowing the man had jumped in the first place.
There's two options before him and he can feel them keenly: continue on the path they're on, denying what he already knows and thus attempting to keep them both safe from the inevitable or accept the hand and come clean, not just to Alaric but to himself. One is certainly safer and holds so much tempting appeal. Anyone else and the choice would be easy.
He reaches long fingers out to brush along Alaric's hand, but doesn't quite take it. "You know, almost two years ago, I was all but set to be bonded to an Omega named Karl Thekla. I loved him. You're not supposed to love people in the circle, everyone knows that, anything could happen. Unauthorized entanglements are not allowed, only the Head Enchanter can pick matches and certainly not everyone gets one and rarely to who they'd pick, so love is a silly and dangerous game. And yet..." His smile turns sharp and depreciating. "I ran away from the circle a couple of times, but Karl made me want to stay, made me want to be a good little mage and follow the rules, then the whole Spirit Healing thing and being able to leave now and again...it seemed alright. Not good, but livable. Karl and I, we got away with a lot...then there were rumors of a match for me, Irving seemed to encourage us in small ways, and then-" His hand comes up to brush away the words like they were dust. "Off to Kirkwall's circle, they need talented mages, too few and too few available Omegas, there's a match set and Karl was gone before dawn."
His hand folds back under the other and his gaze resolutely stays directed away from Alaric while his heart jumps up to try and choke him. Foolish. "I am terrified of sleeping with you, Alaric Morgan, because then I might have to admit that what I feel is alarmingly strong...maybe even stronger than what I had before, given time. And, if that's true, then I'm not certain there's much to keep me from being 'feral' myself should anyone try to come near you you don't wish. I'm not a brave man, there's no survival to be had in bravery...but you are the exception that makes me think I might just tear this whole tower down for you."
It was too strong, too much, too soon, and maybe Alaric smelled too sweet to him, maybe he was too lonely, but claiming any of it was less than all that would be too big a lie. Maker grant Alaric the strength to do what Anders could not, and bury this.
He listens quietly, without making any attempt to interrupt or to even so much as force Anders to make contact. He also listens with much more than his ears.
The magnitude of that is... not lost upon him, but the first sound out of him is still a derisive snort. "That is the most unnecessarily overly dramatic statement I believe that I have ever heard, and I've grown up within politics and nobility." So that's saying something. "I've no desire for you to tear the tower down. Therefore, tearing it down would most certainly not be for me."
He softens after that, rather a lot. Both in posture and in tone. "I have no serious concerns or fears, Anders. Whether it never starts, ends painfully, or the rather narrow space between the two, you will be wanted and I will be fine. You get to decide, because it you who seems most in danger."
He's almost hurt for the snort, until it's more thoroughly explained and he nods, that depreciative smile still in place. "Perhaps it is overdramatic, but it is earnest. I'm sorry if it offends." He doesn't argue about whether it would be for Alaric or not, he knows it would be. Maybe not at this minute, but if something truly threatened Alaric, Anders knew there was little he wouldn't consider to keep him safe. If he let himself think that way. Maker, he shouldn't.
And yet.
He lets himself look at Alaric then and shakes his head. "What makes you say that? I think it's quite the opposite, with no one knowing your specific abilities, they cannot know how rare you are and, thus, how potentially valuable a card in their hand. I and Irving both know how valuable I am to him and Kinloch, I know exactly how free of any hangman's noose or tranquil brand I am likely to be. They'll put me in solitary, whip me till there's no skin on my back, or transfer or hurt everyone I might get close to before I am in any danger."
So long as he didn't run, didn't make himself to be a maleficar, so long as he toed the right lines, he would always be hopelessly fine. "You are in more danger in my radius than out of it."
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"Really? What of Irving?" Because he's the only one Anders actually worried about knowing. It's possible he did, it's also perfectly possible he maybe only pretended to and didn't know a thing. That happened often enough.
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Possibly yes, but the full extent... was a lot.
And he tried very hard to never, ever, allow that to be known.
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"That reminds me: I struck a deal with the kitchens: you should be able to collect your dinner from them without going to the hall, even if I'm not here."
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His smile is cheeky and leans forward a bit. "What do you think I promised them? What's worth bending the rules a bit to a group controlled by Knight-Commander Gregoir, I wonder?" Okay, maybe he's going to be a little bit of a jerk. For now.
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"Not all of my plants that were infected survived, so once the spare pots are cleaned of the infestation, I promised them and a very sunny spot in the garden to some herbs the kitchen is having trouble growing. They're apparently very expensive and they can't have them imported, so I agreed to trade some of my expertise and plant space to their needs in exchange for yours." He shrugs. "I'm fairly certain it's a drug of some sort, but I really don't care. You may have your quiet meals whenever you need."
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Except it is absolutely and completely true so his attempt at looking disproving is highly ineffective.
The rest, though...
"That's very considerate and as trades go a reasonable one. Particularly since the kitchen having more herbs is likely to result in an improvement for all of us. That said I will try to face the dining hall upon occasion."
Probably rare occasion, but he will make an effort.
"Thank you for doing that for me."
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"Is now a good time to mention you might need to face the dining hall alone sooner than we thought? Or should mixed news wait for another day?"
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He looks around the surrounding lands until his eyes fall on the top of a low, red, mountain just north of them with the shade of a keep sat atop it.
“Do you see Redcliff over there? In the valley below is the Hinterlands. There’s a smattering of farmsteads and villages there that have been facing an illness that affects people and animals. People are recovered and made ill anew and no one knows why. I leave here in two day’s time to help.”
He looks back to Alaric, his expression apologetic and voice softer. “I only found out this morning.”
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He'll miss Anders, and the reprieve, but this isn't about him.
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"A week, maybe two. Wynne will still be here and I have a friend named Amell who knows who you are and could make for good company, if you needed."
He didn't necessarily feel badly, but he was a little worried. Protective. It was very much about Alaric.
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"I will be fine. I'm not particularly social, the situation here and now is handled and there is an entire library worth of books I have barely begun to explore. There are also things to learn here." He's very soft, and very serious as he says it. "Enjoy your break and travel, Anders. I'll still be here when you return."
A pause, and - "Though doesn't that coincide with your... cycle?"
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He doesn't know if he's grateful for the question or dreading it, but he is surprised by it. Surprised because it means someone was paying attention. Alaric was paying attention. His smile widens and sharpens and he looks back out to the docks across the lake. "Doesn't it just? Sadly, the Arl was dragging his feet on the request and I might die of surprise if Irving bothered to think of it himself. I'll double the potency of the potion, perhaps see if there's any suppressants lying around...and muscle through the rest." He waves his hand dismissively. "Something something no rest for the wicked or what have you." He shoots Alaric a look but his cowardice doesn't allow the look to linger as his tone softens and loses a touch of the flippant irreverence. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
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Of course Alaric is paying attention to you. You are hot, you are safe, you are trusted -- and you are his.
That answer does not do a lot to reassure him, and he lifts his eyebrows a bit at the flippant response, and sighs softly. "I'm certain you will manage to survive, but I will worry about you."
A lot. He might also get ragingly, insanely, irrationally, jealous and paranoid about it all.
(Might - no. Would. Will.)
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A quick assessment of the room ensured there was only silence and dust as audience as he took up Alaric's hand to kiss the backs of his fingers. "Well, I certainly can't stop you any more than I can change how much I will miss you." And likely all the more during his cycle. No, maybe it is better that he won't be here in those days leading up. He might very well make a fool of himself or -worse- the both of them.
Yet, that thought did nothing to stem the next, the one that flew out from the back of his mind and settled very quickly closer to the front. He could request company. He could take someone with him if he worded his case wisely- for Alaric, would it really be so hard to convince when he'd proven he knew how to conduct himself in the outside world? Or would his apostacy and nobility conflict too much? For now, he remained silent on it, there was too much unknown to risk high hopes.
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He also knows how to get what he wants, through means both more or less ethical.
He looks at Anders and inclines his head slightly to the side.
"If I go with you, we will have sex." Just going to put that out there. Like it's inevitable. Because it feels inevitable.
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"I appreciate your ability to at least temporarily deflect from nearly any topic, but I am well aware that it is possible, here. I also appreciate the careful thought you have given it." Bit mean? Nah, just recognition that it has been considered and the attraction is there. "But I am warning you that if I go on this trip with you, what you have been afraid of and resisting until now will happen." It just - it will.
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He brought his hand up to rub at his chin. "You're fond of my ability to deflect and yet you very rarely like to let me do it." His eyes slide back to Alaric, a brow raising appraisingly. "And how much have you gleaned about what I'm afraid of, exactly?"
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He reaches out and touches Anders' arm, just briefly but with a lot of warmth. Almost like an apology, in some ways, but also - not.
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There's two options before him and he can feel them keenly: continue on the path they're on, denying what he already knows and thus attempting to keep them both safe from the inevitable or accept the hand and come clean, not just to Alaric but to himself. One is certainly safer and holds so much tempting appeal. Anyone else and the choice would be easy.
He reaches long fingers out to brush along Alaric's hand, but doesn't quite take it. "You know, almost two years ago, I was all but set to be bonded to an Omega named Karl Thekla. I loved him. You're not supposed to love people in the circle, everyone knows that, anything could happen. Unauthorized entanglements are not allowed, only the Head Enchanter can pick matches and certainly not everyone gets one and rarely to who they'd pick, so love is a silly and dangerous game. And yet..." His smile turns sharp and depreciating. "I ran away from the circle a couple of times, but Karl made me want to stay, made me want to be a good little mage and follow the rules, then the whole Spirit Healing thing and being able to leave now and again...it seemed alright. Not good, but livable. Karl and I, we got away with a lot...then there were rumors of a match for me, Irving seemed to encourage us in small ways, and then-" His hand comes up to brush away the words like they were dust. "Off to Kirkwall's circle, they need talented mages, too few and too few available Omegas, there's a match set and Karl was gone before dawn."
His hand folds back under the other and his gaze resolutely stays directed away from Alaric while his heart jumps up to try and choke him. Foolish. "I am terrified of sleeping with you, Alaric Morgan, because then I might have to admit that what I feel is alarmingly strong...maybe even stronger than what I had before, given time. And, if that's true, then I'm not certain there's much to keep me from being 'feral' myself should anyone try to come near you you don't wish. I'm not a brave man, there's no survival to be had in bravery...but you are the exception that makes me think I might just tear this whole tower down for you."
It was too strong, too much, too soon, and maybe Alaric smelled too sweet to him, maybe he was too lonely, but claiming any of it was less than all that would be too big a lie. Maker grant Alaric the strength to do what Anders could not, and bury this.
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The magnitude of that is... not lost upon him, but the first sound out of him is still a derisive snort. "That is the most unnecessarily overly dramatic statement I believe that I have ever heard, and I've grown up within politics and nobility." So that's saying something. "I've no desire for you to tear the tower down. Therefore, tearing it down would most certainly not be for me."
He softens after that, rather a lot. Both in posture and in tone. "I have no serious concerns or fears, Anders. Whether it never starts, ends painfully, or the rather narrow space between the two, you will be wanted and I will be fine. You get to decide, because it you who seems most in danger."
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And yet.
He lets himself look at Alaric then and shakes his head. "What makes you say that? I think it's quite the opposite, with no one knowing your specific abilities, they cannot know how rare you are and, thus, how potentially valuable a card in their hand. I and Irving both know how valuable I am to him and Kinloch, I know exactly how free of any hangman's noose or tranquil brand I am likely to be. They'll put me in solitary, whip me till there's no skin on my back, or transfer or hurt everyone I might get close to before I am in any danger."
So long as he didn't run, didn't make himself to be a maleficar, so long as he toed the right lines, he would always be hopelessly fine. "You are in more danger in my radius than out of it."
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