"Nothing I need to know should ever wait." HE wants to tackle Anders and make him acknowledge that he did a wonderful, good, kind thing. He's been effectively derailed by that question and the spike of anxiety in the wake of it, though.
He gives a half shrug and a nod. “Fair’s fair. Let’s see...”
He looks around the surrounding lands until his eyes fall on the top of a low, red, mountain just north of them with the shade of a keep sat atop it.
“Do you see Redcliff over there? In the valley below is the Hinterlands. There’s a smattering of farmsteads and villages there that have been facing an illness that affects people and animals. People are recovered and made ill anew and no one knows why. I leave here in two day’s time to help.”
He looks back to Alaric, his expression apologetic and voice softer. “I only found out this morning.”
He follows to look at the place and then back at Anders, with concern and confusion. "That isn't bad news, and nothing to feel badly for. Being away will do you good and they need help."
He'll miss Anders, and the reprieve, but this isn't about him.
"Oh, no, I'm elated, the only good part of being a spirit healer when the warm fuzzy feeling of helping others passes, but I will miss our meetings." He takes Alaric's hand and kisses the back of it, but lets go quickly enough, as though the prolonged touch may give away how honestly he felt about that under his heavily flippant tone.
"A week, maybe two. Wynne will still be here and I have a friend named Amell who knows who you are and could make for good company, if you needed."
He didn't necessarily feel badly, but he was a little worried. Protective. It was very much about Alaric.
Were they in a better location, he would crawl into Anders lap. It would make it easier to demand eye-contact and to hold it, as well as give them closeness.
"I will be fine. I'm not particularly social, the situation here and now is handled and there is an entire library worth of books I have barely begun to explore. There are also things to learn here." He's very soft, and very serious as he says it. "Enjoy your break and travel, Anders. I'll still be here when you return."
A pause, and - "Though doesn't that coincide with your... cycle?"
That soft assurance that Alaric will be there when he returns is something he wants to sink into and hold on. He wants to believe that there isn't a chance of coning back to finding empty air and whispers of a transfer. No, not this soon, not even Irving would do that. Still, paranoia was hard to shake. Luckily, he doesn't have long to dwell on it nor the thought of conceding that learning was the one thing the circle was good for.
He doesn't know if he's grateful for the question or dreading it, but he is surprised by it. Surprised because it means someone was paying attention. Alaric was paying attention. His smile widens and sharpens and he looks back out to the docks across the lake. "Doesn't it just? Sadly, the Arl was dragging his feet on the request and I might die of surprise if Irving bothered to think of it himself. I'll double the potency of the potion, perhaps see if there's any suppressants lying around...and muscle through the rest." He waves his hand dismissively. "Something something no rest for the wicked or what have you." He shoots Alaric a look but his cowardice doesn't allow the look to linger as his tone softens and loses a touch of the flippant irreverence. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
Of course Alaric is paying attention to you. You are hot, you are safe, you are trusted -- and you are his.
That answer does not do a lot to reassure him, and he lifts his eyebrows a bit at the flippant response, and sighs softly. "I'm certain you will manage to survive, but I will worry about you."
A lot. He might also get ragingly, insanely, irrationally, jealous and paranoid about it all.
He shouldn't feel happy about that, shouldn't feel comforted by the idea that Alaric would worry for him all the same, but those are things he feels and, after a moment, he forgives himself for it. It was only natural to want that kind of care and connection, right? Especially when it came from someone who seemed to bring a comforting stillness to a room, someone who unfailingly turned Anders' eye.
A quick assessment of the room ensured there was only silence and dust as audience as he took up Alaric's hand to kiss the backs of his fingers. "Well, I certainly can't stop you any more than I can change how much I will miss you." And likely all the more during his cycle. No, maybe it is better that he won't be here in those days leading up. He might very well make a fool of himself or -worse- the both of them.
Yet, that thought did nothing to stem the next, the one that flew out from the back of his mind and settled very quickly closer to the front. He could request company. He could take someone with him if he worded his case wisely- for Alaric, would it really be so hard to convince when he'd proven he knew how to conduct himself in the outside world? Or would his apostacy and nobility conflict too much? For now, he remained silent on it, there was too much unknown to risk high hopes.
Alaric absolutely feels that... Not the individual thought, but the idea and the conflict over it. He has no trouble with the idea of being out in the world, he does know how to handle himself.
He also knows how to get what he wants, through means both more or less ethical.
He looks at Anders and inclines his head slightly to the side.
"If I go with you, we will have sex." Just going to put that out there. Like it's inevitable. Because it feels inevitable.
Anders' laugh comes out startled and earnest but there's fondness in his eyes as he purposefully meets Alaric's eyes. Perhaps a bit like a challenge but with flirtation as his voice lowers. "Promises...my good Ser, there is very little holding back my suggestion to find a private corner right now while most of the tower is in the dining hall and looking to turn in after...I may even be so bold as to be very tempted to slip below the table we sit at to perhaps tend to a need I think you've been neglected in far too long." His smile turns up higher at one corner. "If you go with me, I promise you we will have sex, but I can't promise that isn't a very real possibility in here too."
Alaric's response to the flirtation, the suggestiveness, the implications is a sort of fond exasperation that would lead to an eye-roll if it were even one, single, bit less fond.
"I appreciate your ability to at least temporarily deflect from nearly any topic, but I am well aware that it is possible, here. I also appreciate the careful thought you have given it." Bit mean? Nah, just recognition that it has been considered and the attraction is there. "But I am warning you that if I go on this trip with you, what you have been afraid of and resisting until now will happen." It just - it will.
His smile falls, slow, uncertain, almost like it resisted the slow descent and the acceptance of what Alaric was implying.
He brought his hand up to rub at his chin. "You're fond of my ability to deflect and yet you very rarely like to let me do it." His eyes slide back to Alaric, a brow raising appraisingly. "And how much have you gleaned about what I'm afraid of, exactly?"
"Nothing. I am willing to acknowledge the feelings and use that knowledge to move past the near psychotic facade - I am not prepared to truly violate the privacy of your mind."
He reaches out and touches Anders' arm, just briefly but with a lot of warmth. Almost like an apology, in some ways, but also - not.
An apology, but one without remorse, like a parent who wrenches their child's arm to pull them from the path of a speeding cart. Or perhaps, more aptly, someone who makes a grab for the hand of a man who's falling from a cliff to save his life, unknowing the man had jumped in the first place.
There's two options before him and he can feel them keenly: continue on the path they're on, denying what he already knows and thus attempting to keep them both safe from the inevitable or accept the hand and come clean, not just to Alaric but to himself. One is certainly safer and holds so much tempting appeal. Anyone else and the choice would be easy.
He reaches long fingers out to brush along Alaric's hand, but doesn't quite take it. "You know, almost two years ago, I was all but set to be bonded to an Omega named Karl Thekla. I loved him. You're not supposed to love people in the circle, everyone knows that, anything could happen. Unauthorized entanglements are not allowed, only the Head Enchanter can pick matches and certainly not everyone gets one and rarely to who they'd pick, so love is a silly and dangerous game. And yet..." His smile turns sharp and depreciating. "I ran away from the circle a couple of times, but Karl made me want to stay, made me want to be a good little mage and follow the rules, then the whole Spirit Healing thing and being able to leave now and again...it seemed alright. Not good, but livable. Karl and I, we got away with a lot...then there were rumors of a match for me, Irving seemed to encourage us in small ways, and then-" His hand comes up to brush away the words like they were dust. "Off to Kirkwall's circle, they need talented mages, too few and too few available Omegas, there's a match set and Karl was gone before dawn."
His hand folds back under the other and his gaze resolutely stays directed away from Alaric while his heart jumps up to try and choke him. Foolish. "I am terrified of sleeping with you, Alaric Morgan, because then I might have to admit that what I feel is alarmingly strong...maybe even stronger than what I had before, given time. And, if that's true, then I'm not certain there's much to keep me from being 'feral' myself should anyone try to come near you you don't wish. I'm not a brave man, there's no survival to be had in bravery...but you are the exception that makes me think I might just tear this whole tower down for you."
It was too strong, too much, too soon, and maybe Alaric smelled too sweet to him, maybe he was too lonely, but claiming any of it was less than all that would be too big a lie. Maker grant Alaric the strength to do what Anders could not, and bury this.
He listens quietly, without making any attempt to interrupt or to even so much as force Anders to make contact. He also listens with much more than his ears.
The magnitude of that is... not lost upon him, but the first sound out of him is still a derisive snort. "That is the most unnecessarily overly dramatic statement I believe that I have ever heard, and I've grown up within politics and nobility." So that's saying something. "I've no desire for you to tear the tower down. Therefore, tearing it down would most certainly not be for me."
He softens after that, rather a lot. Both in posture and in tone. "I have no serious concerns or fears, Anders. Whether it never starts, ends painfully, or the rather narrow space between the two, you will be wanted and I will be fine. You get to decide, because it you who seems most in danger."
He's almost hurt for the snort, until it's more thoroughly explained and he nods, that depreciative smile still in place. "Perhaps it is overdramatic, but it is earnest. I'm sorry if it offends." He doesn't argue about whether it would be for Alaric or not, he knows it would be. Maybe not at this minute, but if something truly threatened Alaric, Anders knew there was little he wouldn't consider to keep him safe. If he let himself think that way. Maker, he shouldn't.
And yet.
He lets himself look at Alaric then and shakes his head. "What makes you say that? I think it's quite the opposite, with no one knowing your specific abilities, they cannot know how rare you are and, thus, how potentially valuable a card in their hand. I and Irving both know how valuable I am to him and Kinloch, I know exactly how free of any hangman's noose or tranquil brand I am likely to be. They'll put me in solitary, whip me till there's no skin on my back, or transfer or hurt everyone I might get close to before I am in any danger."
So long as he didn't run, didn't make himself to be a maleficar, so long as he toed the right lines, he would always be hopelessly fine. "You are in more danger in my radius than out of it."
He quirks a wry grin at that response, though of course he is deeply troubled by the suggestion that anyone was going to whip Anders - and very much did not believe that fit with his idea of 'fine'.
"Two things." He holds one finger up. "First, I can convince nearly anyone to do anything I would like them to do, and make them forget or remember anything that is beneficial to me." Okay, not literally anyone or anything and he has to be very pressed for that to be an option, "and." The second finger, "That isn't the danger I meant." At all, you enormous idiot.
He brought his hand under his chin to look over at his companion. "It's so attractive when you casually threaten promises of impossibly strong mental magics in my presence. I could and might just kiss you for it. I know you're likely far safer than some others here, but I'm afraid you're stuck with some base level of worry from me until Andraste herself comes down from her Husband's side to tell everyone how silly the Circles are or until you're safely bonded with someone worth your time or established yourself as invaluable and loyal to the Circle's delusion. Whatever comes first." Wynne was certainly in no danger of being bonded off against her will, but she'd been eating from the Chantry's palm for years, if she asked for pardon to travel she could, even as an Omega. Anders didn't expect Alaric to have that kind of sway so quickly and, until he did, there'd always be a chance of threat, however small. Some people went their whole lives never suffering under the circle's tyranny, it only took a set of blinders, keeping your head down, and remaining dreadfully compliant.
"For your last point, color me confused because I don't know what danger you mean, then."
He smirks faintly at the remark about Anders being turned on by casual and terrible threats. Very Omega like of him, he's sure.
"Then you will be waiting for the first two, I'm afraid. It is very unlikely that I will establish myself as invaluable." He doesn't like attention, Anders. He has had quite enough of that of various sorts already, thank you. "As for the last - The danger you are in is emotional, and possibly mental. It is not less dangerous for that."
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he recognizes that's what he'd thought Alaric meant He's also not wrong.
He knew himself well enough: he had attractions and crushes, even, but love? It was not something he indulged in...but if he happened to walk into such a thing, it was with both eyes and heart wide open. He'd never once told Karl he loved him, not in those words, but he wouldn't make that same mistake again. Just because you didn't say a thing didn't make it less true.
That wasn't what caught and held his attention now. His gaze turned appraising, watchful, maybe even slightly sharp as he asked, tone soft: "And you wouldn't be? Not at all?"
He frowns when the question is turned around on him, because he can more or less hear the 'real' problem behind the question, in the softness.
"It is very likely that I could care for you a good deal more than I do now - which is quite a lot." Just matter of fact, for all his usual (if different from Anders) avoidance of such talk. "But I am not afraid of it or the outcome. You are."
He wants to feel disappointed, he wants to feel something safer than the relief that comes. This would be so much easier if he could simply believe it would remain one-sided, even allowed time. What a cruel trick of fate to want romance so desperately while knowing it was as ridiculous and painful as sticking your hand in a flame and expecting it not to burn. At least it might be warm for a moment.
"I am afraid of quite a bit. I am afraid of dying and yet I've stood far too close to that edge outside the window and swam across the entire lake wearing fully woolen robes when Winter threatened the temperature of the waters. I did so because the sweetness of feeling freedom outweighed the fear of the Void. It might kill me should something happen to you...but only because having held you was sweet enough to be worth it."
He stands and leans over the table, over Alaric, his hand coming up to take his chin so Anders could angle his face up towards his own. "I can't promise the fear you're sensing will go away, but I can promise regret would never join it."
He blinks at that - not at the hand on his chin or how very easy it would be to kiss Anders, but at the clear headedness and honesty of the answer. The recognition that he may be afraid, but he will do the thing anyway and not regret it.
Nothing has ever told him more about Anders, and it was a solid, hard, shove toward loving Anders. Really, truly, loving him.
His reaction is still that blink, a moment of silence and leaning in to kiss Anders' briefly before matter of factly saying: "Then I'm going with you." There'd be sex, and that would be fine. Better than.
The kiss is easily, readily, returned but there's a near-laugh just after it. Startled, incredulous, but affectionate all the same.
"Such certainty! You know I have to ask for special dispensation and get permission, right? I can't just smuggle you out under my cloak, as much as I may wish to. Not that it would be a problem for me, of course." He knew how to work his silver tongue, it even worked more often than not on Irving, as much of his own snake as he was.
Uncertainty tinged Anders' humor and he released Alaric's chin to trace his fingers over his cheek instead. "Still, I'm not certain if we should...my cycle...in that state, I'm certain I'll be unbearable company, especially towards you. That was perhaps the one benefit of being away when it started. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He was already a bit possessive and certainly protective of Alaric on a good day. A bad one he was sure he'd end up being an asshole Alpha no different than any other.
"...I am very confident in my abilities to get what I want, yes," he says, very dryly. Really, he probably shouldn't be. He is however both a spoiled brat and in possession of some abilities that are a Problem when he has very little reason to weigh morality against them.
He should probably care about more than three people here, with two of them being kitchen staff. It would likely stop him becoming an actual nightmare. ...come to that with the silver tongue and manipulative ability of Anders, both are likely true.
He tilts to the touch and then sharply lifts his eyebrow: "Are you concerned you'll be insufferable to me or brawling with the other people present?" Those are different concerns so clarify, Mister. Immediately said the totally imperious tone.
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He looks around the surrounding lands until his eyes fall on the top of a low, red, mountain just north of them with the shade of a keep sat atop it.
“Do you see Redcliff over there? In the valley below is the Hinterlands. There’s a smattering of farmsteads and villages there that have been facing an illness that affects people and animals. People are recovered and made ill anew and no one knows why. I leave here in two day’s time to help.”
He looks back to Alaric, his expression apologetic and voice softer. “I only found out this morning.”
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He'll miss Anders, and the reprieve, but this isn't about him.
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"A week, maybe two. Wynne will still be here and I have a friend named Amell who knows who you are and could make for good company, if you needed."
He didn't necessarily feel badly, but he was a little worried. Protective. It was very much about Alaric.
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"I will be fine. I'm not particularly social, the situation here and now is handled and there is an entire library worth of books I have barely begun to explore. There are also things to learn here." He's very soft, and very serious as he says it. "Enjoy your break and travel, Anders. I'll still be here when you return."
A pause, and - "Though doesn't that coincide with your... cycle?"
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He doesn't know if he's grateful for the question or dreading it, but he is surprised by it. Surprised because it means someone was paying attention. Alaric was paying attention. His smile widens and sharpens and he looks back out to the docks across the lake. "Doesn't it just? Sadly, the Arl was dragging his feet on the request and I might die of surprise if Irving bothered to think of it himself. I'll double the potency of the potion, perhaps see if there's any suppressants lying around...and muscle through the rest." He waves his hand dismissively. "Something something no rest for the wicked or what have you." He shoots Alaric a look but his cowardice doesn't allow the look to linger as his tone softens and loses a touch of the flippant irreverence. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
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Of course Alaric is paying attention to you. You are hot, you are safe, you are trusted -- and you are his.
That answer does not do a lot to reassure him, and he lifts his eyebrows a bit at the flippant response, and sighs softly. "I'm certain you will manage to survive, but I will worry about you."
A lot. He might also get ragingly, insanely, irrationally, jealous and paranoid about it all.
(Might - no. Would. Will.)
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A quick assessment of the room ensured there was only silence and dust as audience as he took up Alaric's hand to kiss the backs of his fingers. "Well, I certainly can't stop you any more than I can change how much I will miss you." And likely all the more during his cycle. No, maybe it is better that he won't be here in those days leading up. He might very well make a fool of himself or -worse- the both of them.
Yet, that thought did nothing to stem the next, the one that flew out from the back of his mind and settled very quickly closer to the front. He could request company. He could take someone with him if he worded his case wisely- for Alaric, would it really be so hard to convince when he'd proven he knew how to conduct himself in the outside world? Or would his apostacy and nobility conflict too much? For now, he remained silent on it, there was too much unknown to risk high hopes.
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He also knows how to get what he wants, through means both more or less ethical.
He looks at Anders and inclines his head slightly to the side.
"If I go with you, we will have sex." Just going to put that out there. Like it's inevitable. Because it feels inevitable.
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"I appreciate your ability to at least temporarily deflect from nearly any topic, but I am well aware that it is possible, here. I also appreciate the careful thought you have given it." Bit mean? Nah, just recognition that it has been considered and the attraction is there. "But I am warning you that if I go on this trip with you, what you have been afraid of and resisting until now will happen." It just - it will.
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He brought his hand up to rub at his chin. "You're fond of my ability to deflect and yet you very rarely like to let me do it." His eyes slide back to Alaric, a brow raising appraisingly. "And how much have you gleaned about what I'm afraid of, exactly?"
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He reaches out and touches Anders' arm, just briefly but with a lot of warmth. Almost like an apology, in some ways, but also - not.
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There's two options before him and he can feel them keenly: continue on the path they're on, denying what he already knows and thus attempting to keep them both safe from the inevitable or accept the hand and come clean, not just to Alaric but to himself. One is certainly safer and holds so much tempting appeal. Anyone else and the choice would be easy.
He reaches long fingers out to brush along Alaric's hand, but doesn't quite take it. "You know, almost two years ago, I was all but set to be bonded to an Omega named Karl Thekla. I loved him. You're not supposed to love people in the circle, everyone knows that, anything could happen. Unauthorized entanglements are not allowed, only the Head Enchanter can pick matches and certainly not everyone gets one and rarely to who they'd pick, so love is a silly and dangerous game. And yet..." His smile turns sharp and depreciating. "I ran away from the circle a couple of times, but Karl made me want to stay, made me want to be a good little mage and follow the rules, then the whole Spirit Healing thing and being able to leave now and again...it seemed alright. Not good, but livable. Karl and I, we got away with a lot...then there were rumors of a match for me, Irving seemed to encourage us in small ways, and then-" His hand comes up to brush away the words like they were dust. "Off to Kirkwall's circle, they need talented mages, too few and too few available Omegas, there's a match set and Karl was gone before dawn."
His hand folds back under the other and his gaze resolutely stays directed away from Alaric while his heart jumps up to try and choke him. Foolish. "I am terrified of sleeping with you, Alaric Morgan, because then I might have to admit that what I feel is alarmingly strong...maybe even stronger than what I had before, given time. And, if that's true, then I'm not certain there's much to keep me from being 'feral' myself should anyone try to come near you you don't wish. I'm not a brave man, there's no survival to be had in bravery...but you are the exception that makes me think I might just tear this whole tower down for you."
It was too strong, too much, too soon, and maybe Alaric smelled too sweet to him, maybe he was too lonely, but claiming any of it was less than all that would be too big a lie. Maker grant Alaric the strength to do what Anders could not, and bury this.
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The magnitude of that is... not lost upon him, but the first sound out of him is still a derisive snort. "That is the most unnecessarily overly dramatic statement I believe that I have ever heard, and I've grown up within politics and nobility." So that's saying something. "I've no desire for you to tear the tower down. Therefore, tearing it down would most certainly not be for me."
He softens after that, rather a lot. Both in posture and in tone. "I have no serious concerns or fears, Anders. Whether it never starts, ends painfully, or the rather narrow space between the two, you will be wanted and I will be fine. You get to decide, because it you who seems most in danger."
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And yet.
He lets himself look at Alaric then and shakes his head. "What makes you say that? I think it's quite the opposite, with no one knowing your specific abilities, they cannot know how rare you are and, thus, how potentially valuable a card in their hand. I and Irving both know how valuable I am to him and Kinloch, I know exactly how free of any hangman's noose or tranquil brand I am likely to be. They'll put me in solitary, whip me till there's no skin on my back, or transfer or hurt everyone I might get close to before I am in any danger."
So long as he didn't run, didn't make himself to be a maleficar, so long as he toed the right lines, he would always be hopelessly fine. "You are in more danger in my radius than out of it."
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"Two things." He holds one finger up. "First, I can convince nearly anyone to do anything I would like them to do, and make them forget or remember anything that is beneficial to me." Okay, not literally anyone or anything and he has to be very pressed for that to be an option, "and." The second finger, "That isn't the danger I meant." At all, you enormous idiot.
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"For your last point, color me confused because I don't know what danger you mean, then."
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"Then you will be waiting for the first two, I'm afraid. It is very unlikely that I will establish myself as invaluable." He doesn't like attention, Anders. He has had quite enough of that of various sorts already, thank you. "As for the last - The danger you are in is emotional, and possibly mental. It is not less dangerous for that."
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He knew himself well enough: he had attractions and crushes, even, but love? It was not something he indulged in...but if he happened to walk into such a thing, it was with both eyes and heart wide open. He'd never once told Karl he loved him, not in those words, but he wouldn't make that same mistake again. Just because you didn't say a thing didn't make it less true.
That wasn't what caught and held his attention now. His gaze turned appraising, watchful, maybe even slightly sharp as he asked, tone soft: "And you wouldn't be? Not at all?"
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"It is very likely that I could care for you a good deal more than I do now - which is quite a lot." Just matter of fact, for all his usual (if different from Anders) avoidance of such talk. "But I am not afraid of it or the outcome. You are."
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"I am afraid of quite a bit. I am afraid of dying and yet I've stood far too close to that edge outside the window and swam across the entire lake wearing fully woolen robes when Winter threatened the temperature of the waters. I did so because the sweetness of feeling freedom outweighed the fear of the Void. It might kill me should something happen to you...but only because having held you was sweet enough to be worth it."
He stands and leans over the table, over Alaric, his hand coming up to take his chin so Anders could angle his face up towards his own. "I can't promise the fear you're sensing will go away, but I can promise regret would never join it."
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Nothing has ever told him more about Anders, and it was a solid, hard, shove toward loving Anders. Really, truly, loving him.
His reaction is still that blink, a moment of silence and leaning in to kiss Anders' briefly before matter of factly saying: "Then I'm going with you." There'd be sex, and that would be fine. Better than.
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"Such certainty! You know I have to ask for special dispensation and get permission, right? I can't just smuggle you out under my cloak, as much as I may wish to. Not that it would be a problem for me, of course." He knew how to work his silver tongue, it even worked more often than not on Irving, as much of his own snake as he was.
Uncertainty tinged Anders' humor and he released Alaric's chin to trace his fingers over his cheek instead. "Still, I'm not certain if we should...my cycle...in that state, I'm certain I'll be unbearable company, especially towards you. That was perhaps the one benefit of being away when it started. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He was already a bit possessive and certainly protective of Alaric on a good day. A bad one he was sure he'd end up being an asshole Alpha no different than any other.
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He should probably care about more than three people here, with two of them being kitchen staff. It would likely stop him becoming an actual nightmare. ...come to that with the silver tongue and manipulative ability of Anders, both are likely true.
He tilts to the touch and then sharply lifts his eyebrow: "Are you concerned you'll be insufferable to me or brawling with the other people present?" Those are different concerns so clarify, Mister. Immediately said the totally imperious tone.
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