Respite

[lysoke]

Respite

The lake is dark and calm with a small breeze by the time they arrive at its shores. The stars above reflect perfectly in the still waters before them, and a small copse of trees lines one side, starting on their side of the river and jumping along the other side.

Chris takes a moment to re-prepare the spell he hadn't been able to cast in five years and gestures vaguely to the area around them as a suggestion for what the others can do. Gathering in the forest, sitting on a nearby over-turned log, it didn't matter to him. What he needed was an hour without interruption.

He settles down on the ground and presses his hands together as he closes his eyes to focus on the image in his mind. Within minutes, the white, shimmering outline of a large building forms in thin air. The gentle glow of its light barely spreads from the growing structure.

As promised, it takes the full hour before the slowly filling-in form is complete and finishes with a jaunty, echoing click.

Chris takes a breath, now sitting in front of the stoop that looks annoyingly like the one he'd passed earlier in the night, and gets back onto stiff legs as the glow fades away, leaving smooth, but otherwise unremarkable, white stone behind.

"Here we are. Home for the next however long we need. I'll start working on food and water next." Once they're inside, anyway, which is why he takes back his things from where he'd left them and leads them into the temple, marked only with the carving of ravens on the black wood of the double doors.

Inside is something just shy of opulence. The same polished white stone makes the walls, though black and gold veins course through the marble. The floor is the inverse, a black stone with white, shimmering speckles like a night sky if looked at for long enough. A single window faced East high up on the wall. The temple was alight with sconces at regular intervals along the walls, illuminating an open area that held all the offerings of comfort Chris could think of.

A large hot-springs-like bath, complete with a miniature waterfall, took up the left side of the room and ran into a smaller, similar bath at dog-height. Next to it, covered by a retractable screen, was a shower. Along the back wall, a raven's head emblazoned the white wall in black and watched out over a set of tables, chairs, and a couple of sofas. The majority of the center was clear for walking, but the right edge and right side of the room held a deeply inset pit of pillows, cushions, and blankets in various soft (black and purple) fabrics.

Finally, in the middle of the right-hand wall, there were two closed doors that, when inspected, revealed one room with a large, soft chair and rug, while the other room was made of nothing but stone with jars, pitchers, and plates on shelves along two walls and a cork wall perfect for catching daggers on the other side.

"I hope it works for everyone. I didn't...I didn't make separate bedrooms this time. I didn't figure we would need them tonight."

♥

Comments

[compellingstatement]

Once more, there’s Amelia’s fears and thoughts pinging in the back of Jon’s mind, and for all kind words from both Wolfe and Chris, he can’t help his attention turning back to the rogue. Wolfe can be kind and supportive lover, Chris can be the friend she needs… mostly. So, what can he be to her? Someone who doesn’t mince words? An ally for now, but friendship is still a ways off, even if they’re both set on protecting each other.

“Let’s all head out so you can change what you’d like,” Jon suggests. “We have the day to discuss our next moves. And we may need to forestall plans beyond getting to the city and finding an appropriate cleric or scholar to start. I’d like to have a word with you in private, as well, Amelia. If that’s all right?” Hopefully without more crying, but he might need to weather those. At least with their relationship as it is, she might be more inclined to hide her tears.

While his attention is mainly on Amelia, he does glance briefly at Wolfe to ensure he has permission to engage with her one-on-one.

[wolfehawke]

Wolfe recognizes that move from Patience. Cookie is much more of a normal carefree animal but Patience, with her joint mabari and spirit dog pedigree, is much more in tune not just with her people's moods but what to do about them. Wolfe had never seen her decide to take Amelia for a walk to clear her head before, but she'd done it to him enough times. Something twists inside in knowing it was something she found necessary while he was gone, but there's comfort there too. Amelia had help and support.

Chris on the other hand...

He has Jon, but he also has his pride and his own idiosyncrasies that Wolfe is sure Jon hadn't challenged. Their Archivist can see a lot but he isn't a mind reader in the literal sense. He can't always tell when their mutual boyfriend is laser focused on getting in his own way because he's overwhelmed but keeps a white-knuckled grip on a situation regardless. Or maybe he can and just deals with it differently, maybe even doesn't think it's a problem. But even with that nothing exchanged between them, Wolfe can tell Chris will be digging his nails in his palms before long.

So when Jon looks at him for confirmation that what he's doing is alright, Wolfe just nods, standing up from the table as well. "I think a day to regroup is the best idea anyone has had all morning. Don't stray too far, but if you find any game maybe see if you can take it down? Conjured food is well and good but a stew would be more fortifying before facing a mess of zombies tomorrow."

Amelia always does better with a task, and with how Jon isn't exactly practiced at sneaking about in the woods, Wolfe expects that will take them some time as well as distracting Amelia enough to find her center again. Maybe.

He crosses to her and gives a kiss, gently wiping the traces of tears from her face. "I love you. All of you, just as you are. Keep that in mind while you're stealing my dogs for a walk." With that wry comment and a cheeky smile, he let's them head out first, all the animals but Poppet in tow, before turning to Chris again.

"So. A kitchen this time? And a stocked closet?" Clearly not what he's going to press on, but its a place to start.

[rogueinladysclothing]

Chris' sudden answer is... expected, somewhat. She's fucked up. Of course she's fucked up. When doesn't she fuck up with him in moments where they both need to keep their heads?

Wrong wrong wrong wrong but what this time? What does she need to grovel for forgiveness about? What does she need to do better?

She manages a soft 'I love you' for Wolfe before pulling away and getting on her shoes and a handful of her knives, motioning for Jon to do the same. As soon as they're both ready, she doesn't hesitate to step out the door and into the chill morning air. The dogs rush out ahead of her, bounding and barking with excitement for the space. They don't go far before returning to her side, though it's obvious from how they keep panting and running circles around the pair of humans that they really want to be set loose.

"Now that we're away from the others, what is it you wanted to say?" She spares Jon a glance as she wipes at her face and encourages Little Thunder to take wing and begin looking down on them from above for possible game to hunt.

[chrisisofaith]

Jon volunteers to go out with Amelia, and he tries to hide his surprise. Assumedly, they're at least passingly civil with each other if she's been giving him lessons...and they would clearly protect each other...so he just nods and sets to dismissing the food and water conjured and making sure everyone's things were gathered into one, central location. It would be easier to cast around the pile that way.

What he tries not to think about is how, with Wolfe staying with him, it was going to be harder to sneak off and sink into the lake to try and fix his head. He offers a small smile to his mage and nods.

"I'll make it more elaborate this time. Smaller baths, I think, more functional and less luxurious...maybe a second storey with a reading area so some of you can start reading up on the local flora and fauna and magic. Do the girls need anything more? I intend to put more places for Poppet and Little Thunder to perch and nest as needed." Which...

Chris calls for the little moth creature to come perch on his shoulder and then turns his full attention on Wolfe with an assessing look. "And if everyone's going to the shadowfell, what is the plan with the animals? If they happen to accidentally brush a Darkland, they'll instantly vaporize."

[wolfehawke]

"A fireplace, if you can, even if the flames are illusory. They liked to lay in front of it at ho-. At the Rest and the Terrace." He quickly corrects himself. Duplicity is not home, the same way Kirkwall wasn't home. Except it, just in the case of Duplicity, he doesn't want it to be.

"As for the animals, they can mind themselves if the temple will still be here while we're gone. If anyone gets in thats not supposed to, I don't think they'll be prepared for the onslaught. If not, the girls and Thunder can manage the woods for a day or two, I'm sure. Poppet I don't know. Perhaps she could stay with Jon? Does she know well enough to stay on his shoulder at all times?" Honestly he's not worried about Patience in the Shadowfell either but Cookie is want to roam sometimes and the other animals would need Patience here in the Material if they didn't have their people.

During all of this planning, Wolfe sets about helping Chris prepare their things and eventually step outside so the spell can dissolve and be replaced. He regards Chris for a moment, folding his arms and wondering if they shouldn't talk now, before he spends an hour chanting and needing to concentrate. By then, Chris will have focused on something else for long enough that he'll have buried everything he's feeling all over again.

"Come for a walk before you cast it again," he says, grabbing his staff and putting it on his back. "Just around the edge of the lake and back. Please?"

[chrisisofaith]

Chris nods and thinks to reach for his book where he'd started to write down the various things he needed to keep in mind...only to remember he'd given his book to Jon. He'd need to get one for them both when they eventually had money, then.

He's trying to keep it all in mind as they step outside and he lets the spell fall, leaving their things in a neat pile where the temple had been, but before he can turn his focus, Wolfe is grabbing for it. Chris pauses, looks from the pile of packs to Wolfe, and hesitates. "I..." What was the harm? Other than the chance he forgets something to include, but his memory was pretty good. No one was around here for miles, it wasn't likely their things would wander off, and creatures probably wouldn't bother without food to entice them.

Every excuse he can think of falls away and leaves him realizing he is coming up with excuses...just to not go on a walk with his partner. Chris goes to the pile to pick out his scythe and nods to Wolfe.

"Lead on, then. The walk will do us both good, I think. I already missed my window to pray for my spells for the day." He'd have to pray piecemeal as needed through the day and try again tomorrow.

[wolfehawke]

"I think she'll understand, given the circumstances," Wolfe says with a grin, pleased Chris isn't going to fight him on this. He didn't miss the momentary hesitation before that decision, either.

They walk a short way down to the shore and Wolfe lets them get past a line of cattails, indulging himself in the company and the sheer normalcy of the moment, before he says anything again.

"I missed you." It comes out softer than he'd intended, a bit thicker in his throat. He'd wanted to keep the tone light and not sound like he's accusing Chris of ignoring him or of anything else. He just wants to talk like they always have. Lean on each other without fearing being a burden, and the first part of that has always been his sharing. But he finds as he tells Chris what should be the most obvious thing in the world - that he missed his love while they were parted - he also still misses him. Chris has been laser focused on next steps and providing that even the short stolen moments last night are overshadowed. Much of it is necessary for practicality's sake, Chris being the one from this world natively and thus the one with the most knowledge, and the ever-present knowledge that they're copies, but there has to be room for the joy of being reunited. Doesn't there?

Quietly, Wolfe reaches for Chris' hand, trying to focus on him and what he might be thinking than the ache of distance. Distance he can clear, if only Chris will allow. "I'm sorry I was gone so long."

[chrisisofaith]

Wolfe says 'I missed you' like it's a secret he's been keeping, like his existence doesn't bleed longing and love, and for a moment, he feels like he did back during the carnival when he was facing down his mage's confession and filled with such doubt for it. It's not doubt for his feelings, what he feels for Wolfe hasn't changed an inch...but a doubt in himself. That he can be who Wolfe needs him to be so quickly...and if he could voice any of that, maybe it would help. Gods, he must seem like...a ghost, at best.

Chris takes his hand when it's offered and gives it a squeeze, but his head whips around at the apology, expression aghast. "Why in the hells are you apologizing for being kidnapped, assaulted in a number of ways, and slowly drained of your life like it was an inconvenience to us for it happening?"

[wolfehawke]

"Because I'm sorry it happened at all," he replies with the ghost of a smile at the corner of his mouth. He'd been counting on Chris rounding on him at that. He hates when Wolfe apologizes for things that aren't his fault and even he can see he had no way of preventing bring taken. But it sits in him guiltily anyway because he knew it might. He'd known for years he could be taken at any time - even had been once - and still he said with full hubris he refused to be parted from Chris. That he would be the only constant through sheer force of will. It was foolish and only served to hurt the both of them, even if the alternative acceptance of their precarious position would have driven a wedge between them. He's not sure what he would have done differently.

"I could have been less insistent that it would never happen. That might have done more harm than good. You're acting like you're afraid you'll get hurt again; that I'll hurt you again. I'm sorry for that."

The smile is gone, Wolfe's slightly gaunt face holding a seriousness he only ever does when he has a thought that he knows Chris isn't going to want to hear but needs to anyway to get through to its source. "I don't think you're pulling away on purpose. If you can tell me truthfully that its for the hundred other reasons you could be breaking right now I will believe you entirely, but if not... If not, I wanted you to hear that from me."

It's what he'd want to hear in the reverse.

[chrisisofaith]

He's quiet a moment too long, long enough to overhear Poppet cleaning herself on his shoulder.

"Not...not intentionally...but not without being aware, either." Which doesn't help. His grip goes tighter on Wolfe's hand, a quiet request for a beat of more time as he gathers his thoughts.

"I just...I thought you gone. One way or another. Either you were gone for good and I was facing heartbreak for the confirmation, or you were gone without your memories and I was facing you looking at me with eyes that did not know me...something I'm not good at handling, historically. Either way, I was more prepared for those options than your sudden barging through a door as we thought to be leaving. I haven't...I'm still grieving you. It's hard for me to let that go in an instant. I am afraid to be hurt again, even though I don't blame you in the slightest. I'm sorry, I know that's not fair."

There's more, things he's not even sure where to start with, but that was the core of it and what made it harder to look at Wolfe too long or dwell on the feeling of being near him. He couldn't slot back into place a hole that had jagged edges.

[wolfehawke]

"Nothing ever is," he replies with a tight smile. It's not fair that all he'd wanted the whole time he was captive was to see them again, see Chris again. Thoughts of being reunited had sustained him, were possibly even why he'd lasted as long as he did. Knowing they were waiting for him meant he couldn't give up, he had to keep trying. And he did. He managed to escape and reunite with them in a daring getaway from Duplicity entirely. It should have been a happy ending to a horrid chapter of their lives and instead its just... life. It's pain, it's worry, it's old wounds that don't heal when you desperately want them to be closed.

"It's alright. I do understand. It'll just take time." Time neither of them want to take, he's sure. Maker - Gods, whoever- what he wouldn't give to skip past this part and reach where they can talk hand in hand without his feeling like he's holding Chris captive. He almost let's go, at that thought, but he doesn't want Chris to think he's pulling back in response to all this. He settles for loosening his grip, but his fingers still thread through Chris'.

"Will you at least talk to me? I'm worried about what's echoing in your head."

[chrisisofaith]

Wolfe’s grip loosens and he feels a cold rush in his veins…but his partner doesn’t pull away completely and that keeps the ice from settling.

He wants to apologize again, promise that the time won’t be long or that there’s one sure way to fix it, but he doesn’t want to lie or make promises he can’t keep. He doesn’t know…and he hates that too.

Instead, he brings Wolfe’s fingers up to kiss his knuckles.

“You’re still my partner and my friend. Any reticence to talk to you about what’s in my head is just me being…me. That I can promise you.”

So saying, he sighs. “I’m sure you can guess, you’re too good at reading and knowing me. There’s guilt still, even if I know our situation -having few resources- isn’t my fault. I feel like I can’t stop working until you’re all at least stable and have clothes on your back and food on your plates. I should be able to offer that much.” And despite that very real and present problem…there was his guardians. His purpose. His twin. All no longer his.

But that’s too selfish to bring up when it’s not only he who’s swallowing that reality. His just happened to only be an hour south and yet years away.

[wolfehawke]

"You're right, it isn't your fault. Nor is having to refigure where you stand in your own world," Wolfe's gaze strays down the bank, towards the direction they'd come to set up the temple. Chris' city was burning, still needs to recover, and it will but now without him. Or rather, with who he thought he was but is not. There's an enormity of that question if who they are and where they fit that seems so much more immediate for Chris, whose answer used to lie just a few miles away where someone he thought he used to be is taking that role instead.

"You don't have to offer anything but who you are, Love. None of us expect you to have all the answers. If there's anything we're all good at its surviving, and with the quests before us we'll be able to do a whole lot more than that. We wouldn't even be on this path if it weren't for you. Specifically you." Wolfe brings his gaze back around to Chris and squeezes his fingers gently. "Though I am sorry about your Guardians. Especially your sister."

He doesn't have a brother anymore either, however strained that relationship. He understands.

[chrisisofaith]

He squeezes Wolfe’s fingers back but grits his teeth past the sudden lump that threatens the back of his throat.

“She’s not my sister. She’s his sister. They’re still the same age.”

It comes out without his consent and it sounds so petulant outloud, even if that was precisely the part that hurts the most. He’s not even a twin anymore.

“I think I hoped we weren’t aging in Duplicity because it would mean I wasn’t older than her…but it doesn’t even matter now. She can have the home she always wanted and deserved…and I can try and do the same for us. I don’t just want us to survive, we’ve done that for years. I want us to live.”

A frustrated ‘tsk’ escapes him and he reaches his other hand up to pet poppet to try and keep his frustration low.

“To that end, i hope Amelia gets on that page soon, it’s like she’s stopped being herself entirely and is relying on survival to make her decisions for her instead of actually bothering to try. And, no, you don’t need to corner her next, you’re still recovering and not our repair man.”

[compellingstatement]

Being out in the fresh air is strange still. There's nature, rather than a city, like the countryside where he and Martin had hidden away in Daisy's cabin. And it continues to be both quiet and not in a way that Jon can't quite put his finger on. The birds sing, the wind blows through the trees, water laps at the shore of the lake, the leaves crunch as the dogs bound through. And yet, there's a stillness to it all that's mildly discomfiting. Maybe it's the lack of street noise. No cars, nothing mechanical.

Bizarre.

"I don't know how to say this kindly, so I'll just say it: You think incredibly loudly." Jon sighs. "I'm not telling you to stop, mind. I know you can't help what you think. But you should be aware I'm... catching it. More of it than I usually do from the people around me. I suspect it's because you're afraid, and I'm not as used to needing to shut you out." He's lived with Wolfe and Chris for years, even if the situation with Wolfe has been off and on. "I'm not going to tell the others, if you're at all concerned about that. But it seems like something you ought to know."

[rogueinladysclothing]

"I think loudly? What the hells does that--" She cuts herself off suddenly as she digs through the memories of the past day since they left Duplicity, remembers her spiraling thoughts and the many things she either couldn't or wouldn't say aloud. Her suffering, her fears about who and what she is, her fears for the others, her uselessness, her worthlessness. All a backdrop to the crying and breakdowns they've all seen.

Now I can't even think? I have to clear my mind. I have to keep it in, closer than before. Don't think, just do. Act. There's always something to be done. Do it. I can do this. I have to. For them.

She drags a hand through her hair, taking a deep breath and trying to force all of her thoughts away. They pull at her, always there at the edge of her awareness because she can't put things down. Wolfe told her, tried to show her, that she could set it all down for a time. That she wasn't required to always be in control or in charge of everything, not even herself. He tried so hard to help her let it go so she could rest for seconds or minutes at a time... and she couldn't. The overwhelming fear that she's going to fail and make things worse - for all of them, but especially for Jon - refuses to be pushed back as she brushes her fingers through her hair and starts to pull it into a long, single braid over her shoulder.

"...I'm sorry." Sorry she can't shut herself off when she knows that would be better. Can't be who her original was: a cold and distant but kind leader who kept a tight hold of her emotions. Her lips press into a frown as Little Thunder makes rainstorm noises above them, then starts a dive into some bushes ahead of them. "I'll find a way to stop it. If I don't and it becomes too much, tell the others and have them put me to sleep for a time so you can get a short rest from my shit."

He needs that, even if he won't say he does.

[compellingstatement]

"For the love of- I did not say stop thinking. I literally said I know you can't help it." He sighs. "I know what you're feeling and thinking to some extent. For better or worse I can- I just do. And I'm not someone you need to worry about impressing or burdening. We're not bosom pals, I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not even your employee. I'm just... here. An ally. It seems like that's what you need right now when you have other people to be your friend.

"You don't have to worry about my opinion. You don't have to apologize for existing. Or somehow thinking wrong. Or upsetting me. We're all messes. I won't tell you anything the others are thinking right now, but I'm worried about some of the same things you are. Being useful, making sure I'm not a burden. You, at least, can fight. Whatever Chris wants to insist, that's immediately valuable. Some potential scholarly ability or magic in the future isn't much use until it's here, which makes me a dead weight until then."

He stoops to pick up a stick as a they walk and chucks it out ahead of them for the dogs to chase after. Cookie races ahead with Patience on her heels. "The fact you have emotions isn't the problem. It's that you can't seem to fathom everyone else is having them and don't care if you do. They can be inconvenient or frustrating, but god knows I'm those things without the emotions."

[rogueinladysclothing]

He can tell her that she can't stop it or that it's fine, but what about her suddenly loud and spiraling thoughts is fine for someone who can't help but hear them? It doesn't bother her that Jon hears them - if he can't stop it, hearing them isn't his fault - but the effect of them does. Her entire life was defined by what other people thought of her and how her actions affected them. Why would it be any different here?

Only, it was never her life. It was never her actions. It was the woman she was told she was, whose memories she has.

Her frown deepens as she watches Cookie and Patience dash off. "You're his partner and his friend. Chris needs that more than he needs," me, someone who only ever seems to hurt him no matter how many promises she makes to do better by him, "someone who makes a mess like me. You saw the way he all but pushed me out the door of the temple." She'll have to ask what she fucked up this time after they've both gotten some more rest and managed to eat more. Dreams, she doesn't know how to fix this and she knows she has to. She has to make this right or soon enough he'll be wondering why the fuck he's kept her in his family when all she does is hurt him over and over and over again.

She sighs heavily and ties off her braid. "If my emotions weren't a problem, I wouldn't need to be handled even so much as you're doing right now. I know things are strained and difficult after everything between losing Wolfe to the city and getting here yesterday, but there isn't time to process or deal with shit in the ways we all want when we have to get written into the Weave as quickly as possible. I refuse to let you or Wolfe suffer for any longer than the gods demand as part of the bargain for their help."

It's out of their hands in many ways, but she won't back down. No matter what she is or who she's supposed to be, she's too damn stubborn and protective and angry to do anything but fight when someone tries to withhold what she feels rightfully belongs to her people.

[compellingstatement]

“We aren’t talking about what Chris needs. Or what I need. Or what Wolfe needs. I didn’t ask to speak with you privately because of them.” Well, perhaps in a roundabout way of making all their lives less fraught, but that’s twisting things around to get to a particular conclusion.

“He also didn’t push you out the door. You decided to leave for your own reasons, and he didn’t stop you.” There’s a part of him that he hates this, playing the voice of reason, pretending to be ever so wise. He knows full well his own issues with paranoia. Which… maybe that’s a point.

The dogs return and Jon pauses their walk a moment to take the stick and hand it off to Amelia to throw this time. “You know, I mess things up with people all the time. Every relationship I had back home, half of the ones in Duplicity. I’m not good at trusting people of being personable. I have got better… and it’s because I’ve made the conscious decision, make it still every day, to believe the people I’ve decided to love. Whether my brain is telling me I shouldn’t or not, I choose to do it. Maybe try that the next time you’re getting in your head about something. Decide what you’re going to believe. The demons in your own head, or the people who you say you love.

“Well don’t have a lot of time to relax, but we also can’t do everything at once. So, we have this thing in the Shadowfell, fine. We have getting to Iliniver. We have talking to some Mystra acolyte. I’m not one for relaxing, but there’s time we’ll need to fill between those things. What do you even do to blow off steam apart from chucking knives at things? Do you need to dom someone?”

[rogueinladysclothing]

Believe her people? Of course she believes them. She can read them, though, and she knows when she's fucked up hard. Jon can't see it, but that's because his relationships with Chris and Wolfe are completely different from hers. Chris is her mirror and her greatest challenger, someone who can take only so much before he balks and tells her to get out of his sight. Wolfe is soft but assuming and--

She's... assuming a lot about them and their choices, isn't she? Fuck. How in all the hells could she do that when she's been working so hard to let them tell her what they need? Is it the exhaustion? The stress and horrors of the last day? Her own inability to grow up? What is it?

Luckily, Jon pulls her from any spiraling thoughts with the most ridiculous thing she may have ever heard come out of his mouth. Amelia blinks a few times, throws the stick for the girls to give them something to chase once more, then turns to the man with the most incredulous expression on her face.

"Are you seriously asking if I want to pick up something that I did in the city for work while we're trying to deal with the new reality of our lives?" What the fuck, Jon? She shakes her head and rolls her eyes, sighing as she calls Little Thunder down to her with a hand held out to her side. The raven returns with a joyful Hello! in Chris' accent and with some small shiny rock in her beak. "Don't ever suggest that to me again. For fuck's sake, we barely managed to escape with our lives, found out we're all... copies of some sort, and got put on a task by the Raven Queen so we can stay bound to this plane. I don't have a mind to do anything but what needs to be done to make all of you safe."

Us. 'What makes all of us safe', she meant to say. No correction of her words comes, though; it's unnecessary when she can grab the rock from the raven and then encourage her into the brush ahead to see if there's any game to hunt.

[compellingstatement]

“I don’t know what you did for fun before the city. But maybe you’d prefer to sub. I can offer my services, if you’d like. Discounted, of course.” Jon has sense enough to know that joke isn’t likely to go over well and steps just out of Amelia’s immediate reach.

“I also see you’re not including yourself in any of this safety business. You’re going to upset everyone if you kill yourself saving them. Chris has told me as much. I’m sure he’d tell you the same. Wise and smug bastard that he is.” Jon loves Chris! He shows his love in many ways, including backhanded compliments.

“I’ll ask again what you need that we can actually do anything about. I can compel you to answer honestly, if it might help.”

[rogueinladysclothing]

"The woman I'm based on didn't do things for fun." If she did, it was at knifepoint or after being physically shoved out the door. Her life was for the Family. Everything she did was for them. It's what she wanted. It's what made sense for who and what she was. It doesn't matter if it doesn't serve her here because she needs time and distance from whoever this woman is to learn things for herself. Things she's not going to get because yet again she's being pushed into a corner and made to feel like she can't be a mess. Jon may not intend to make her feel like that, but she does all the same.

She ignores his joke and the truth he points out about what Chris and Wolfe would feel if she died for their sakes. It's that last part that she doesn't let slip past.

"And risk using your abilities and losing access that much sooner? Don't." Her eyes narrow at him. "As for what we can do, you can accept that I'm going to be a dreamsforsaken mess for however long I need to and that anything I might do for 'fun' isn't accessible to us right now. Let me figure out what I need in my own time. Pressing me won't make me find an answer."

There's nothing to embroider on or with. Few chores to be done if Chris is going to recast the temple every day. Nothing to learn when they have no map and Chris' knowledge of things she'd want to know is limited. And sex is... dreams, she's not going to think about that right now. She's trapped and they're all just going to have to deal with it the same as she is.

[compellingstatement]

"Don't treat me like glass," are the first words out of Jon's mouth. "It's not going to stop me doing anything, and you'll save us both the argument and frustration. I know far better than you what's going to happen if I lose my connection to the Eye with nothing to fill in the missing pieces." It's terrifying. The thought of it is eating at the back of his mind, but he doesn't need someone else to fuss at him about it and remove the one trick he has that might be of some marginal use. "Wolfe likely feels the same way, but maybe ask him instead of assuming 'Mistress knows best.'"

It's a great deal sharper than he'd meant to be, but both her and Chris fretting over it has started to wear on his nerves. It's one thing to tell him not to feed, another thing to tell him not to do whatever he can with the limited tools in his kit.

"And fine." She doesn't want him to handle her? He can stop trying to be 'nice.' "Be a mess if you need to, but accept it's going to annoy Chris and probably the rest of us when you decide to walk out in the middle of an important conversation because you feel like you can't weigh in on things in that specific moment. Also... don't give me this 'woman I'm based on' bullshit."

Jon gestures back toward where they'd come from. "Have you met Adalwolfe Hawke? Do you know how many 'copies' of him there are out there? I knew Garrett Hawke well before Wolfe. He was in Duplicity and had lived a remarkably similar life... up to a point. We also had more than one of the same person at the same time. Not from different points on their same timeline, but from wildly different life circumstances. How the hell have you lived in Duplicity for years without realizing the multiverse is a thing. There was a split in your timeline. There's an Amelia Royer who's still back in her world, doing whatever it is you were going to do. And there's an Amelia Royer, you, who was kidnapped to a city and given some sort of new body because the thing that snatched her couldn't grab her physical form. What even makes a person? It's their memories, Amelia. Christ, but you're thick sometimes. The only difference for us is that most of the time, we don't get to see or even know about those divergent universes."

[rogueinladysclothing]

"Every one of us is glass right now, myself included. I'll handle you exactly as I need to and as your reckless behavior requires." She shouldn't be this way with him, knows her anger is going to bite her in the ass both with him and the others, but what else is she supposed to do? Let someone she's chosen to be in her life run face first into an idiotic decision that could hurt all of them? Fuck that. She refuses.

She will, at least, not remark on the 'Mistress knows best' comment. If she does, it's going to come at the point of a dagger and that's guaranteed to make things worse.

"Those instances aren't nearly the same as what we're dealing with now, Jon. People ignorant of what we know can't have the same struggles as us. Those people in Duplicity who were the same person but different? Or the same person from a different point in their life? They don't know the truth of what they are: copies made from the memories of someone else. They don't know that everything they remember is real but not for the physical presence in that city. They don't have any fucking clue that they're fuel to be used for the many experiences they can have in the city before they're discarded and everything they became is lost."

The dogs return once again with their stick and this time Amelia breaks it in two over her knee before throwing it as far as she can into the trees ahead of them. This gives her a few breaths before she rounds on Jon again with narrowed eyes. "I am not the woman who lived everything I remember from a plane I've never been to. I know that. Of course I know that. But that being true, that doesn't make me Amelia Royer. It doesn't make me anything related to that plane or those people or whoever that woman really is because she isn't me and I'm not her. I was given her stolen memories, but so what? I didn't live her life. I have her scars and know her fears and I've been convinced they're mine, but they're not. They were forced on me and in my ignorance I believed them. Now I know better and... and it all..."

It doesn't matter. Nothing that 'Amelia Royer from Ragneux' did fucking matters because she is not and never can be that woman. She can't return to that plane and go to the House to see the Family because they'll see her as some omen of terrible things to come. They'll see an outsider wearing their Shadow Mistress' face and think her something to be destroyed for their safety.

And they'd be right.

And I would be right to let them do it.

Frustrated, angry, with so many words in her head and heart that she can't articulate, she turns away suddenly and screams into the quiet woods. All around them birds and small creatures are scared from their cover. Ahead of them, the dogs bark with excitement at the sudden flush of some rabbits from their home and Little Thunder dives from the canopy to catch something easily twice her size and too frightened to realize what's coming for her.

Amelia stands still for a long moment, panting, hands curled into fists at her sides. The noises around them settle into quiet again before she speaks. "I don't know who I am anymore," she says, just loud enough for Jon to hear, "because everything I was told about my life before Duplicity is a lie. I didn't have a life, none of us did. Amelia Royer exists, but she's not me and I'm not her. So that... it makes me..." A long, shaking breath. "No one."

[compellingstatement]

The scream startles Jon into stillness for a moment, panic ratcheting up as he waits for her to come at him or for some beast to charge out of the woods and attack. Thankfully, the dogs and Little Thunder subdue their prey and the the voices of the wood begin to creepy back in with tentative songs and calls.

They've reached the point where Jon would ordinarily walk away, but that's not really an option anymore. He can't go and stew at home, away from Amelia for a few days or weeks. They're together here, and there's no running from the problems to give them space to breathe. It's a similar issue for Chris, he expects, having to deal with each other without the time to lick wounds and let them fully heal.

"They are the same." Jon balls his hands into fists. If he's going to have it out with her, he might as well have it out. Let them both bleed and see where they stand in the aftermath. Maybe this will ruin everything, but he's never been good at keeping his relationships intact. He always messes it up somehow. "If you want to stand there... and tell me I wasn't desperately in love with Martin Blackwood because I'm split from the Jonathan Sims back on Earth, you can go and fuck yourself. I've already had to live with being half the man I was because of the Eye. You don't get to tell me I'm not even that.

"Is that how you feel about Aloïs? I know he was important to you, that he was in Duplicity. But what you felt for him wasn't real enough because of how you were split off from the other version of you? That he wasn't real enough?

"You're exactly the woman you were before you knew the specifics of how your personal timeline diverged, Amelia. You did have a life. I had a life. Chris and Wolfe had lives. We all existed and mattered and no, we're not the people we were, but that's because we've gone through things those other versions of ourselves haven't. Just like Wolfe's gone through things that Garrett never did when he was part of that space fleet. You can believe what you want." Even if it's wrong. This is wrong. He can feel himself getting worked up, but with her... with her, it's easier to hold to the anger and keep the tears at bay. "But I know who I am."

The woods grow quieter again, the sun seeming to dim as the shadows of the trees grow longer. "I am the Archivist. I am the living record of every horror, every fear, every supernatural experience that I have ever seen or heard. I am the avatar of watching, of the truth you fear and fail to recognize. That you are Amelia Royer, and you have to live with knowledge that you are changed. You live in the shadow of yourself, Shadow Mistress, because that is where you feel safest. But I see you in the dark." Jon's eyes--there are too many eyes--have changed as he stares at her, unblinking. "I see you cowering from yourself and your own expectations. Frightened girl."